Penny Rises Again: An Easter Miracle

Good Friday

9:02am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

Listening to the sounds of the Pinkerton Family Mad trickle through the doorway…

Flossie: ‘COME AT ME HOT CROSS BUNS!… Oh hi Grandma!’
The Matriarch: ‘Hello Flossie, could you just help me open the door to the bathroom?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Prince Harry arrives in three days… I’ve been watching episodes of JAG daily on TV to prepare for his arrival!’

Five minutes later… the laundry door opens and Grandma shuffles out…

Bob: ‘So Grandma, how was your poo?’
Mother Dearest: ‘BOB! HOW DARE YOU!’
Bob *sounding confused*: ‘What? You guys always ask me how mine was? I thought that was just what we did?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh Shit. Harry is never going to visit us…’
Flossie: ‘I’d say shit is the least of your problems here at the moment Mum’

Think it might be safer just to stay in bed actually…

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Penny Gets a Partridge in a Pear Tree

Chapter 20 

Thursday 5th December
7:13am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just woke up covered in tinsel’
Charlie: ‘What happened last night? Have the vampires in your cupboard turned into Santa’s elves?’
Penny: ‘Sadly I do not think my wardrobe has upgraded its supernatural inhabitants. I suspect it has more to do with the Pinkerton Family Christmas Tree decorating session I happened to be a part of last night…’
Charlie: ‘Ah… how did that go?’
Penny: ‘Let’s see, Mum wore an outfit comprised entirely of tinsel and Christmas aprons, Dad covered every doorway, computer screen, tv screen, cabinet, bookshelf and moving object including myself with tinsel, Bob made 329 inappropriate jokes about the blue baubles on the tree and Flossie serenaded us until the cats outside started joining in. To be frank, we make the Griswold’s look awfully normal…’
Charlie: ‘At least it’s over now’
Penny: ‘Oh no, it ain’t over til the inflated Fat Man sings… and Dad hasn’t even put him up on the roof yet…’

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Penny’s Glowing

Chapter 19

Thursday 28th November 

7:21am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘Can you hear that warbling in the kitchen?’
Penny: ‘Yes… It woke me up’
Flossie: ‘What is IT?’
Penny: ‘If my hearing serves me correctly Floss, that is the sweet sound of Mother Dearest singing along to her favourite songs’
Flossie: ‘What?! She doesn’t sing! She only ever sings when she’s listening to…. OH GOD’
Penny: ‘It’s most, wonderfulllll timeeeee of the year!’
Flossie: ‘Christmas Carols’
Penny: ‘Ho ho ho!’

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Penny Pavlova Plays Russian Roulette

Chapter 18

Thursday 21st November 

10:11am – Lying in the Castle of the Unknown

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just woke up in an unfamiliar bed with a hickey on my collarbone.’
Charlie: ‘What happened last night?’
Penny: ‘I can only assume the vampires in my bedroom have finally abducted me’
Charlie: ‘This seems completely plausible’
Penny: ‘And they have a really large suite at The Langham…’

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Penny Ploughs On

Chapter 17 

Thursday 14th November 

7:02am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘Can you hear that noise in the kitchen? I’m afraid to get up!’
Penny: ‘The honking noise?’
Flossie: ‘It sounds like the roof is creaking and about to fall in. Either that or we’ve acquired a donkey’
Penny: ‘Never fear, Bob is here. He’s just practicing his harmonica…’
Flossie: ‘That is actually MUSIC?’

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When Harry Met Penny

Chapter 11 

Thursday 3rd October 

5:32am – Enjoying Peak Hour Airport Traffic in The Most Livable City in the World

Zooming along on the way to the airport

Mother Dearest *hands fly up to face*: ‘OMG! I think I’ve forgotten the masks?!’
Penny *half awake*: ‘What masks?’
Mother Dearest: ‘The ones with your face printed on them so I could walk around with you on my face so Harry could fall in love with you when he sees me’
Penny: ‘You weren’t joking about them?!’

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Penny Pinkerton Finds Her Zen

Chapter Ten

Thursday 26th September 

7:14am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Mother Dearest: ‘Have found cute man for you at beach. Currently chasing him down main street for phone number. Will report back’
Penny *groaning*: ‘Please don’t. Please just keep running. Is there a pier nearby?’

Maybe if I go back to sleep I will realize it was all a bad dream…

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Penny Pinkerton Goes In Blind

Chapter 9 

Thursday 19th September 

7:11am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

Mother Dearest to Flossie outside my bedroom door: ‘I think Penny is disappointed you’re staying home, I think she wanted to have a man over”

The Mads are going away for a week & Mother Dearest has been preparing…
I’m not entirely sure who she is preparing for with these kinds of ideas, but she lives in hope.

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Penny Pinkerton Gets Personal

Chapter 8

Thursday 12th September 

7:12am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Stumble out of bed at the crack of 7am, walk through the kitchen, half asleep, en route to the bathroom when I overhear this…

Mother Dearest *reading the careers section in the paper*: ‘I need a career change…’
Father Bear: ‘Well, are there any jobs there that take your eye?’
Mother Dearest *clapping excitedly & pointing*: ‘Oo, I could be a Sex Therapist! I mean, I’ve got the teaching background’
Father Bear *eyebrows raised*
Penny *walks into the bench*: ‘Ow! Perhaps not until you’ve read ‘Gay Stories’ hey Mum?’

Someone please, tell me I’m dreaming.

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Penny Pinkerton is on Fire

Chapter 7 

Thursday 5th September

7:13am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

Listening to the sounds of the Pinkerton Family Mad awaken

Mother Dearest: ‘Bob, why does your school jacket smell of girls perfume?!’
Bob: ‘It’s the girls at school Mum. They keep chasing me down the corridor spraying me with Impulse! I don’t know what to do, because I really only like the one girl… but all the girls are chasing me. *voice quavering* What should I do?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Remember Bob, deep rivers have still waters’

Good grief, the poor child needs some guidance and instead he’s got Mother Dearest channeling Confucius at the helm…

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Penny Pinkerton Paints the Town

Chapter 6 

Thursday 29th August

7:02am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

Woke up to Mother Dearest on the phone to Grandma…

Mother Dearest: ‘Oh Mum, the internet is such a dangerous place. I just don’t know how it happened! One minute I was looking for poems about jungle animals for the children and the next minute, ELEPHANT PORN! EVERYWHERE!

I suspect this must be one of Grandma’s proudest parenting moments…

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A Penny Pinkerton For Your Thoughts

Chapter 1

Monday 22nd July

11:37am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Monday morning going well. Up at  the crack of 11:32am. Setting new records for effectiveness and motivation. Tomorrows headlines read: ‘Girl breaks mold, uses study day effectively…’
Penny: ‘Also. My groins are about to fall off. Did I ride a horse on Saturday
Snicks: ‘Again…?’

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