Penny Rises Again: An Easter Miracle

Good Friday

9:02am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

Listening to the sounds of the Pinkerton Family Mad trickle through the doorway…

Flossie: ‘COME AT ME HOT CROSS BUNS!… Oh hi Grandma!’
The Matriarch: ‘Hello Flossie, could you just help me open the door to the bathroom?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Prince Harry arrives in three days… I’ve been watching episodes of JAG daily on TV to prepare for his arrival!’

Five minutes later… the laundry door opens and Grandma shuffles out…

Bob: ‘So Grandma, how was your poo?’
Mother Dearest: ‘BOB! HOW DARE YOU!’
Bob *sounding confused*: ‘What? You guys always ask me how mine was? I thought that was just what we did?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh Shit. Harry is never going to visit us…’
Flossie: ‘I’d say shit is the least of your problems here at the moment Mum’

Think it might be safer just to stay in bed actually…

9:54am – Still lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Mitch: ‘Hey Penny P, you going away this Easter weekend?’
Penny: ‘No no, staying here with the family and enjoying descending into a Hot Cross Bun coma instead’
Mitch: ‘Shame… thought your mum might have flown you up to Canberra to stalk Harry’
Penny: ‘Her plans are bigger than a weekend trip to catch a glimpse of him Mitch. She’s been planning for weeks on how she’s going to infiltrate the SAS to get me near him’
Mitch: ‘This sounds like the time she was going to send you to Afganistan to meet him’
Penny: ‘Oh no, this is much worse. This time, she’s watched four seasons of JAG to prepare herself. Not only has she got the infiltration techniques covered, she’s also got every legal defence required for the aftermath mastered as well’
Mitch: ‘She’s a visionary that woman’
Penny: ‘She’s a flaming lunatic’

10:32am – Standing in the Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Flossie: ‘What is that smell?’
Penny: ‘That is the fragrant smell of henna in my hair’
Flossie: ‘It smells like shit’
Penny: ‘A continuing theme in this household…’

2:13pm – Zipping along the Princess Fwy in a Vintage Classic

via Phone Call
Dorian: ‘Penny my Princess, what are you up to?’
Penny: ‘Pardon darling? You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel’
Dorian *yelling down the phone*: ‘I said Penny my Princess, what are you up to?! And are you wearing ONLY a towel?’
Penny: ‘I’m currently en route to the beach to wash the henna in my hair out in the sea. The salt water helps maintain the colour you see’
Dorian: ‘I see… I have grand visions of you looking rather regal as you are transported by your liege to the sea’
Penny: ‘Oh absolutely. I mean, my hair is covered in a gooey brown substance that smells like something you released into your toilet bowl this morning, it is wrapped in 4 layers of glad wrap so my head looks like it’s covered by a defunct condom, the brown stuff drips down my neck intermittedly, I’ve got the whole thing covered with a blue towel so I look like Marge out of The Simpsons, and I’m being transported to the beach in a 1987 cream coloured Laser with an entire interior covered in leopard print. It’s a bit like being on safari actually… Oh. And we’re singing along to Aqua.’
Dorian *silence*
Penny: ‘Dorian? Dorian are you there?’
Dorian *clears throat*: ‘Sorry darling, I was rendered momentarily speechless by the description of your current state… ‘
Penny: ‘I can’t possibly imagine why…’

4:10pm – Lying on the beach of Demented Heads

Flossie *curled up under a pile of towels*: ‘I’m so glad you’ve grown your hair out now Penny’
Penny *flipping hair back and forth in manner of model but actually looking like someone having a fit*: ‘Oh yes, and why is that? Because it makes me look so beautiful and attractive?’
Flossie *deadpan*: ‘Well no. It’s just means now I don’t have to keep telling people you’re not a lesbian’
Penny: ‘Oh’

Sisterly love at its finest.

9:34pm –Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Bob: ‘Hey Penny, all of the boys at school laugh every time the teacher says the number 69… why is that?’
Penny *mouth gaping*: ‘Ah…Uh… Um…’
Flossie: ‘Well because it has sexual connotations Bob’
Bob *raises eyebrows*: ‘What! Really?! What does it mean’
Penny *mouth gaping still*: ‘Ah…Uh… Um… well… Uh… Flossie?’
Flossie *looking slightly flustered*: ‘Well, it’s when two people put their heads between each others legs’
Penny *head in hands*: ‘Oh Lord’
Bob *looking confused*: ‘Why is that? Does it smell nice down there?’
Penny *crying with laughter*: ‘Yes Flossie, do explain… why is that?’
Flossie *flapping arms around crossly*: ‘Oh just shut up Penny. At least it was better than what Mum might have said!’
Penny: ‘Indeed… she probably would have just said “No 69? That’s Chicken and Cauliflower on the Moon Palace menu isn’t it?’
Bob *looking bewildered*: ‘Huh?’

I’m glad they’ve left the puberty explanations to the experts.

Easter Saturday

8:56am –Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Mother Dearest *storming in*: ‘Right! That’s it! I’ve had enough of this! The toilet paper in this house is disappearing at an astronomical rate! Who is using all of the toilet paper?’
Flossie *muttering sideways*: ‘What is wrong with her?’
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘Is she high on Hot Cross Buns?’
Mother Dearest *arms flailing*: ‘That is the FIFTH time this weekend I’ve changed the toilet roll! What are you all using it for!’
Flossie: ‘On second thoughts, maybe she’s been sniffing the craft glue…?’
Penny *shrugging*: ‘Anything is possible…’
Mother Dearest: ‘Right, where is your brother! I am putting him on toilet rations again! *voice rising* Only ONE POO PER DAY BOB! BOB! Where are you!!’ *storms off towards the backyard*
Penny: ‘She could have her on tv show you know… Mother Dearest: Poo Patrol’
Flossie: ‘Has a nice ring to it actually’

10:12am – At the waterhole of communal diseases and men in old lycra

Penny: ‘Morning Good Looking, what’s the forecast for today?’
Mr Vanilla *smiling*: ‘Morning Penny, I’m thinking humidity at 78%, chlorination at 97% and several showers of water from all the kids who are going to jump in on your head as you try to paddle around without swearing at anyone for half an hour’
Penny *deadpan*: ‘Delightful. I’m going to have to wear my swimming cap’
Mr Vanilla: ‘Oh but you look so adorable in your swimming cap’
Penny: ‘Particularly when I fold the earflaps up so I can hear you talking to me while I do my Jesus walking’
Mr Vanilla *chuckling*: ‘I have missed you Penny, it’s been too long’
Penny: ‘It’s only been 2 weeks! But I am excited to see you again’ *hops in the pool and starts paddling* 
Mr Vanilla: ‘Ah Penny…’
Penny *flailing around like a chicken*: ‘Oh Holy Shit. I’ve just gotten in the water and completely forgotten to put my floatation belt on’
Mr Vanilla *laughing*: ‘So excited to see me you forgot your belt and almost drowned yourself eh?’
Penny *winks*: ‘Any reason to make you jump in here at save me’

11:34am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Mother Dearest: ‘Penny, what are you doing?’
Penny: ‘Chopping up some vegetables for lunch?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Can you just ease up on the vegetables please? You eat so many of them’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Every other parent on planet Earth is currently trying to force feed broccoli and carrot down their children’s throats and you’re standing there telling me NOT to eat so many vegetables’
Mother Dearest *looks confused*: ‘Well… um… yes. I need the green beans for lunch tomorrow. And for Monday, in case Prince Harry turns up’
Penny: ‘Parenting logic at its finest’

4:57pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘Has your mum calmed down yet? Or has this Prince Harry arrival thing got her in a tizz?’
Penny: ‘Oh the Prince Harry anxiety is a permanent state of being for that woman. Her stress this morning was Bob induced’
Charlie: ‘What has Bob done now?’
Penny: ‘Apparently he’s using too much toilet paper. Shitting problems. Do you know how many problems in this house revolve around poo? It’s pandemic’
Charlie: ‘Hahahahahahhaha’
Penny: ‘The reality of life in Pinkerton Land. Glen 20 is bought in bulk’

6:35pm – Still lying in the Castle of Penny

via Snapchat

Penny Pinkerton Prince Harry Australia

Part 4 of the ‘Mother Dearest Prepares for Harry’ Plan

Easter Sunday

9:02am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Mitch: ‘What did I do last night?’
Penny: ‘Not me’
Mitch: ‘I’m not in a good way today… I am not sure how I am even breathing. But I am’
Penny: ‘Congratulations Jesus. You have just risen from the dead. For the 2015th time.’
Mitch: ‘Are you making religious jokes at my expense?’
Penny: ‘Who says history and The Bible aren’t relevant? There are re-enactments of the resurrection story going on in beds all over the country as we speak!’
Mitch: ‘And you wonder why you are still single…’

9:48am – Standing in the toilet of the Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Snapchat

Easter Egg Hunt Penny Pinkerton Toilet


12:56pm – Dining Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Flossie *yodelling*: ‘COME QUICK! OMG COME QUICK! Grandma is choking!’
Penny *running into the backroom*: ‘What the hell happened here?’
Mother Dearest *looking sheepish*: ‘Well… I came out to show Mum my new apron I was wearing that I bought from Euro Disney, and I was really excited to show her because it was a big red one with white spots, it was a Minnie Mouse apron!’
Penny *furrowing brows*: ‘And?’
Mother Dearest *looking downcast*: ‘Well I was really excited because I remember that she used to call me Minnie Mouse when I was a kid, so I came bursting out and yelled “LOOK MUM, I’m wearing my MINNIE MOUSE!” and then she started choking…’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Grandma?’
The Matriarch *clearing her throat and  wiping the tears from her eyes*: ‘Well, your mother was right… we did use to call something her Minnie Mouse when she was younger… you see, she didn’t want to say the real name for her lady parts, so I used to call it her Minnie Mouse…’
Penny: ‘Fantastic. So Mum you just walked out here and yelled at Grandma “LOOK MUM! I’m wearing my Vagina Apron! Aren’t you proud of me?”. No wonder she nearly passed out in her English Breakfast tea’
Mother Dearest *looking sheepish*: ‘…Oops?..’
Penny: ‘Undoubtedly one of your proudest moments Grandma’

1:02pm –Kitchen of Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘How’s your Easter going so far?’
Penny: ‘Well… in no particular order…

  • In an effort to spruce up the Easter Egg hunt the Easter Bunny (aka Mother Dearest) went to great lengths to hide the eggs this year. The three I found in the toilet were my personal highlight. The fact she told me to ‘LOOK HARDER PENNY!’ when I failed to find the two hidden under piles of bills on my desk was bordering on inspirational.
  • The Easter Bunny also enjoyed a little bit of a ‘decorating spree’ with the talcum powder. Which looked fantastic until Father Bear had to vacuum. And then proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes swearing at all of us about the excess powder on the floor.
  • Father Bear was entrusted with the cooking of the vegetables for lunch. As Flossie is keen about Food Safety, she made him wear a ‘food cap’ while he did it … who knew shower caps had so many uses?
  • And then Mum nearly killed Grandma by marching out there and practically yelling in her face “Look Mum! I’m wearing a Vagina Apron”

We haven’t even got to the main course yet…
Charlie: ‘So… well then?’

1:10pm – Still in the Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Snapchat

Penny Pinkerton Shower Cap in Kitchen Food Safety

 

1:22pm – Still (perhaps unwisely) in the Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Dad is currently standing in the kitchen, wielding and revving an electric knife, yelling ‘YOU BASTARD’ at the crackling on the leg of pork, whilst wearing a pink and white spotting shower cap… I’m not sure I feel safe here anymore’

3:57pm – Hiding in the Backyard, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Father Bear *screaming at the television*: ‘YOU IMBECILE! Kick the friggin thing would you!’
Flossie: ‘Dad, tone it down a bit, poor Grandma is going to need a lie down if you continue. Mum already almost killed her with her Minnie Mouse apron!’
Father Bear: ‘Yeh alright, al..YOU BLOODY WANKER! THAT WAS NOT HOLDING THE BALL!’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘I think Grandma’s going to need stiff whiskey and a new pair of underpants if she wants to make it into the next quarter’
Flossie: ‘Either that or a tranquiliser gun to shoot at Dad’
Penny: ‘He’s either got Football Tourettes, or he hasn’t forgiven you for making him wearing a shower cap while he was cheffing today’
Father Bear *screaming*: ‘YOU FLIPPIN GALAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR YOU HOPELESS GOOD FOR NOTHING FLOG!’
Flossie: ‘I blame the Pork’

10:22pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: “Just went and saw The Duff with Flossie and Bob, we walked out of the cinema and Flossie turns around to me and says “Mitch is your Duff”. God help us. On the upside though, you have a cracking sixpack and we get to make out on a rock’
Mitch: ‘Well, I don’t have a sixpack, unless it’s bourbon, but we can make out *winks*’
Penny: ‘Will you ever stop trying?’
Mitch: ‘I’m renewing my gym membership now. All I have to do is lose 5kg, find a sixpack and after ten years this is finally going to come together’
Penny: ‘Guess that’s a no. I’ll keep my eyes peeled for a rock’

11:39pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘Please come to my room. Need your professional opinion but not wearing pants’
Penny: ‘Other professionals are not seconded in this manner you know’
Flossie: ‘PS Pants wearing is optional’
Penny: ‘I am a professional dammit!’
Flossie: ‘You do 94% of your work whilst wearing a fluffy green dressing gown. Just shut up and come in here professional one’

Easter Monday

8:02am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘What the effing hell is that noise in the kitchen?’
Flossie: ‘I believe they are the melodious strains of God Save the Queen’
Penny: ‘What?’
Flossie: ‘Seriously Penny, Prince Harry has arrived on Australian shores… Mum is just completing her regulatory salute to the Motherland. I’ll be disappointed if I get up and she’s not wearing her Royal Apron and a tiara.’
Penny: ‘Sweet Jesus. FYI. I’m banning her from watching JAG’

9:05am – Hiding/lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘What does it say when you’ve been tagged in three pictures of Prince Harry on Instagram, been sent 5 snapchats of Prince Harry on Sunrise and had 4 posts or comments about Prince Harry on your Facebook, and he’s only been in the country for two hours?’
Instagram Prince Harry Penny Pinkerton

Charlie: ‘That your Mother has minions. Be afraid. Be very afraid’
Charlie: ‘PS – he looks kinda hot in that uniform of his. Perhaps your Mum has a point?’
Penny: ‘That’s enough from you thank you.’

11:22am – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Not entirely sure whether to be thrilled that our dog has athletic aspirations, or slightly worried that he’s fitter than us’

Penny Pinkerton Golden Retriever on Trampoline

Flossie: ‘I’m definitely concerned. He’s been an athlete all of three weeks and he’s already developed an ice habit’

Penny Pinkerton Ice Habit Golden Retriever

Penny: ‘How are we going to break this to Mum?’
Flossie: ‘I think we’re missing the point here… how is SHE going to break this to the Royal Family? Harry will never marry you now!’
Penny: ‘All those hours of JAG. Rendered useless. Oh I’m devastated…’

3:33pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Bob walks out of the laundry…

Mother Dearest: ‘Bob, how many poos have you done today? Remember, only one poo per day thank you’
Bob *looking pained*: ‘Seriously Mum!’
Mother Dearest *crossing arms*: ‘There’s been too much pooing going on here lately’
Penny: ‘Yes Bob, too much pooing. And Mum is determined to get to the bottom of this shit’
Flossie *marching through the kitchen like she’s on crusade*: ‘THE POO POLICE RIDES AGAIN!’

6:17pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Text Message
Mitch: ‘So how was your Easter?’
Penny: ‘Relatively uneventful’
Mitch: ‘As your future Wes Rush, I’d like to inform you that I know when you’re lying. Besides which, your house hasn’t been “relatively uneventful” since 1992… when the family took a holiday to the beach’
Penny: ‘Hilarious. Well if you must know, I spent 76% of it in a Hot Cross Bun coma, was spectated heavily whilst completing my Easter Egg hunt by my Mother, I’ve been subjected to 9.2 ridiculous plans about how we are going to ‘trap’ Prince Harry and lure him into our house – the most plausible of which being she’s going to crash a party at Kirribilli House and corner him in the bathroom (because they won’t notice her coming in her Buckingham Palace cap and apron before that), we suspect the dog has developed an ice habit, a war on toilet paper has been waged and we’re on poo rations: only one per day please, and Bob asked me on Friday night what the number 69 meant and I didn’t know what to do. That about sums it up I think.’
Mitch: ’69 and you didn’t know what to do? I find that highly unlikely. But hey… if you ever need a lesson *winks*’

9:14pm – Hot Cross Bun and Easter Egg Coma, Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Bob *picking up a box*: ‘Hey Penny, what’s this Cards Against Humanity game about?’
Penny: ‘Oh it’s a game for grown-ups Bob, it’s quite funny’
Bob: ‘Can I play it?’
Penny: ‘Nah, probably not all that suitable for you mate. I’m not sure I’ve, I mean you’ve recovered from the Chicken and Cauliflower discussion on Friday night just yet… ’
Bob *looking downcast*: ‘Oh’

Three minutes later…

Bob *still holding the box*: ‘Hey Penny?’
Penny: ‘Yes Bob?’
Bob: ‘What’s a blowjob?’
Penny: ‘Oh God’

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