Penny Gets a Partridge in a Pear Tree

Chapter 20 


Thursday 5th December
7:13am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just woke up covered in tinsel’
Charlie: ‘What happened last night? Have the vampires in your cupboard turned into Santa’s elves?’
Penny: ‘Sadly I do not think my wardrobe has upgraded its supernatural inhabitants. I suspect it has more to do with the Pinkerton Family Christmas Tree decorating session I happened to be a part of last night…’
Charlie: ‘Ah… how did that go?’
Penny: ‘Let’s see, Mum wore an outfit comprised entirely of tinsel and Christmas aprons, Dad covered every doorway, computer screen, tv screen, cabinet, bookshelf and moving object including myself with tinsel, Bob made 329 inappropriate jokes about the blue baubles on the tree and Flossie serenaded us until the cats outside started joining in. To be frank, we make the Griswold’s look awfully normal…’
Charlie: ‘At least it’s over now’
Penny: ‘Oh no, it ain’t over til the inflated Fat Man sings… and Dad hasn’t even put him up on the roof yet…’

2:11pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Fletch: ‘So, how was Noosa? Did you enjoy yourself?’
Penny: ‘I suspect Army Survival Training may have been less taxing…’
Fletch: ‘Oh…’

4:57pm – Le Surgery of the Quack 

Doctor:
 ‘So Penny, what can I do for you today? You’re looking a little red?’
Penny: ‘Oh that’s just your regulation sunburn, I’m actually here because I think I’ve broken my toe’
Doctor *raises eyebrows*: ‘And how did you do that?’
Penny: ‘Just a standard session of Footloose on the dancefloor at the Noosa Surf Club’
Doctor *smiling*: ‘Ah got a little too Footloose did we?’

7:18pm – Dinner with the Pinkerton Family Mad 

Father Bear: 
‘How is your toe Penny?’
Penny: ‘Officially broken’
Father Bear *grinning*: ‘Looks like someone needs a toe truck!’
Penny *rolls eyes*: ‘Good grief’

9:03pm – Front Yard, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Phone Call 
Mitch: ‘Hey Penny P, what’s going on?’
Penny: ‘Oh not much, just the usual’
Mitch: ‘Are you free Tuesday night? My team is playing in a T20 final, I might even make some runs for you…’
Penny: ‘Oh how generous of you, you do know the way to a girls heart! I think I could be there for that’
Mitch: ‘Sweet. What is that sound in the background? Is someone dying?’
Penny: ‘Oh no, that’s just Flossie singing Christmas Carols in our front yard’
Mitch: ‘What’s with the grunting?’
Penny: ‘Oh that’s just Dad standing on our roof grappling with a 7 foot inflatable Santa Claus who is attempting to take flight off said roof… Yes, even Santa’s trying to abort this mission…‘
Mitch: ‘Right… anything else I should know?’
Penny: ‘Well Dad is wearing an elf hat and tinsel around his neck, and Flossie is wearing reindeer antlers and there are dance moves to go with the ‘singing’ and Bob is zipping up and down the street on his scooter with a white fur trimmed Christmas Cowboy hat on screaming “YEEEEEHAAAAA MERRRRY CHRISTMAS” like he’s had too many eggnogs, but really, apart from that, all seems fairly normal…’
Mitch: ‘And what are you doing!?’
Penny: ‘Supervising. Apparently. Quite frankly though, considering the current situation, I’m not sure even Jesus could save me from this…’

10:11pm – Front Yard, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘The Fat Man is officially singing’
Charlie: ‘You got him up on the roof?’
Penny: ‘Yes, we got him and 10,000 of his closest fairy light friends up on the roof. I’m expecting a Qantas Boeing 747 to be landing in our street any minute now…’

Friday 6th December  

7:05am – At the waterhole of communal diseases and men in old lycra

Penny: ‘Morning, ready to go?’
Mr Vanilla: ‘Ready as I’ll ever be, do you need help getting your jumper off this morning?’
Penny *smiling*: ‘I think I’m in full control of all of my faculties today, so I think I’ll be right’
Mr Vanilla *grinning*: ‘Oh good, so at least I don’t have to worry about you rescuing me again then either?’
Penny *groans*: ‘I promise, I’ll be on my best behaviour’

7:12am – At the waterhole of communal diseases and men in old lycra

Penny: ‘You’re a natural at this Deep Water Running caper’
Mr Vanilla: ‘Thanks, I’ve gotta say it’s a lot harder than it looks, you make it look easy!’
Penny: ‘I’ve been doing it for a long time, it kind of changed from rehab into a hobby after a while’
Mr Vanilla: ‘Can’t say I can list any rehab activities as hobbies…’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘What do you prefer to do instead?’
Mr Vanilla: ‘I love running and watching movies, probably play a bit too much X box as well?’
Penny: ‘Ah movies, there must be an actress you like, if you had a green pass, who would you use it for?’
Mr Vanilla *smiling*: ‘That’s easy, you’
Penny: ‘No, I was asking you who you’d use it for?’
Mr Vanilla *chuckling*: ‘I’d use it for you’
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘Wait, me?!’
Mr Vanilla: ‘Yeh, I have an incredibly lovely girlfriend who I’m quite fond of, but if I had a green pass, I’d use it for you Penny’
Penny *grinning*: ‘Suppose I must have done something right with that CPR then…’

7:24am – Still at the waterhole of communal diseases and men in old lycra

Mr Vanilla: ‘You seem to be wincing, do I smell funny?’
Penny: ‘God no. It’s just the movement in the water isn’t helping my broken toe, my sunburn is stinging and my jellyfish bite is burning…’
Mr Vanilla: ‘What did you DO In Noosa?’
Penny: ‘I think the question is, what DIDN’T I do in Noosa…’

5:16pm – Preseason Training

Myles: ‘Penny have you finished the photos for the calendar?’
Penny: ‘I’ve got two more months to do this weekend but one of the guys has just pulled out…’
Myles: ‘Oh don’t you just hate it when they pull out…’
Penny: ‘Will we ever have a conversation that doesn’t end up in the gutter?’
Myles *grinning*: ‘Probably not. So now you’re telling me you’ve got a vacancy for a good looking red head for the month of December?’
Penny *rolls eyes*: ‘If you’re offering Myles, then yes…’
Myles *grinning*: ‘I’m always offering when it comes to you Penny’
Penny *rolls eyes* 
Myles: ‘If you roll your eyes anymore Penny, you’re going to fall over’
Penny: ‘I doubt I’d fall over, I’d probably just fall to my knees’
Myles *smiling*: ‘Sounds perfect, roll away my friend!’

Saturday 7th December  

9:03am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘Just walked past Mum and her Jeep’
Penny: ‘How exciting for you…’
Flossie: ‘She has put tinsel on it’
Penny: ‘Nothing is sacred anymore’

3:34pm – In the land of creativity, baby oil and half naked footballers in the Lands of Myles 

Penny: ‘So Myles, what exactly did you have in mind?’
Myles *holds up a large string of tinsel*
Penny *crinkles forehead*: ‘You want to put that up on the wall behind you?’
Myles: ‘No, I want to wrap it around me, I am December after all’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Wrap that and what else?’
Myles *smiling*: ‘Nothing else, I think the tinsel should do the trick…’
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘And then?’
Myles: ‘And then I thought I’d lay back on the bed?’
Penny: ‘Well, I suppose at least I don’t have to worry about adding baubles…’

3:37pm – In the land of creativity, baby oil and half naked footballers in the Lands of Myles

Penny: ‘Right, well, once you’re finished getting changed, I suppose I should get some baby oil on you and then we’ll figure out how to artistically apply this tinsel… Are you ready?’
Myles *walks in completely nude*: ‘I’m ready for you to oil and decorate my tree Penny!’
Penny *rolls eyes*: ‘Sweet Jesus’

8:08pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Facebook Messenger 
Roxie: ‘Beardy and I are thinking of heading out to see a movie, do you want to come?’
Penny: ‘Oo, I’m sorely tempted but I think I might just stay in tonight, I spent the afternoon doing Myles’ photoshoot’
Roxie: ‘How did that go?’
Penny: ‘Let’s just say, I think he’s been studying this Borat video for tips…’

Roxie: ‘Oh my…’
Penny: ‘Yes, that’s what I said…’
Sunday 8th December 

2:14am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Phone Call 
Penny *half asleep*: ‘Hello?’
Silence
Penny *mumbling*: ‘Hello? Mitch is that you?’
Fletch: ‘Who’s Mitch? And what horse did he ride in on?’
Penny: ‘Fletch?’
Fletch: ‘Penny!’
Penny: ‘Fletch, are you ok?’
Fletch: ‘No not really, I’ve been lying to you Penny’
Penny: ‘And now at 2am on Sunday morning you just can’t take it anymore?’
Fletch: ‘I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t do it’
Penny: ‘Drinking? Standing? Breathing?’
Fletch: ‘Lying to you, I just can’t do it’
Penny: ‘Alright Fletch, what’s wrong, spit it out love’
Fletch: ‘I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have let it drag on like this’
Penny: ‘It’s ok, I’m sure it will be ok…’
Fletch: ‘I don’t know, it’s just not the honourable thing to do’
Penny: ‘You’ll be right Fletch, I don’t tend to mark my men on the old school of Chivalry grading too often. What is wrong?’
Fletch: ‘I wouldn’t use my Green Pass for Megan Gale’
Penny *giggling*: ‘Ok Fletch, it’s ok’
Fletch: ‘I’d use it for Miranda Kerr!’
Penny: ‘Oh darling, I see, there is nothing quite like tequila induced honesty is there… do you feel better now?’
Fletch: ‘Not really, I haven’t finished, hold on, I’ve just got to drink this Jagerbomb…’*gulps* 
Penny: ‘Right…’
Fletch *exhales*: ‘Right, I’d use my Green Pass for Miranda and I left you that morning in the hotel room because you mumbled something to me while you were sleeping and it scared the shit out of me, so I ran away. But the only reason I could hear what you said in the first place was because I was spooning you’
Penny *pauses*: ‘Uh…’
Fletch: ‘So the Pillow Wall was a lie too…’
Penny: ‘Oh darling, that’s ok, I appreciate that you were giving me a hug’
Fletch: ‘No, I wasn’t just giving you a hug, I was spooning you Penny, SPOONING’
Penny: ‘Well I suppose I should be thankful you weren’t forking, if this is the kind of breakdown spooning inspires…’
Fletch: ‘But I really do think that I might you know, agree with you and that I could possibly even feel… ‘ *pauses*
Penny: ‘Fletch?’
Fletch *groans*: ‘I gotta go!’

10:03am – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Penny: ‘Floss, what are you doing to all of the Christmas decorations? Why are you taking them down?
Flossie: ‘Well in amongst our decorating with gay abandon session the other night, we forgot one small thing in amongst the falalalalalalaaling joyfullness of it all…’
Penny: ‘What did we forget? The lights? The ceramic bells? The blue baubles?’
Flossie: ‘Worse. The fact that we’re having Christmas at our house this year… so we have to redecorate so it looks like the it was done by adults and not five delinquents high on eggnog and Mariah Carey Christmas Carols!’
Penny: ‘Good Grief’

5:16pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Text Message
Penny: ‘How are you feeling after last night?’
Fletch: ‘I suspect Army Survival Training may have been less taxing…’
Penny: ‘Ah… that good! You did kind of leave in a hurry’
Fletch: ‘Leave where? Were you there?’
Penny: ‘No I wasn’t, I meant our phone convo, one minute you were talking a million miles an hour and then, you just hung up’
Fletch: ‘Wait, I rang you last night?’
Penny: ‘Technically this morning, around 2am, you just couldn’t handle lying to me anymore’
Fletch: ‘Oh… and what did I say?’
Penny: ‘Just that you’d rather actually use your Green Pass for Miranda and not Megan’
Fletch: ‘Ah I see, drunk me always prefers Miranda, five tequilas and I just can’t go past an Angel…’

7:34pm – Sitting in the Lands of Penny

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘How goes the information collation on your boys?’
Penny: ‘Exhausting’
Charlie: ‘Surely it can’t have been that hard?’
Penny: ‘You’d be surprised how hard things can get…’
Charlie: ‘Now Penny, how you suffer!’
Penny: ‘I do suffer! First there was dinner with Kennedy, then there’s been an ongoing phone/email/facebook interrogation of Fletch who decided to drunkenly ring me this morning and change a few of his answers. I’ve been bouncing around in the water with sunburn and a broken toe squeezing information out of Mr Vanilla and then I had to get Myles all oiled up and wrapped up in tinsel to get half of his answers and that was a task and a half, and just when I think I can rest, I’m booked in to watch Mitch play cricket on Tuesday. I don’t know how Paris Hilton keeps up appearances!’
Charlie: ‘It will all stop the sooner you pick one…’
Penny: ‘Pick I can barely keep track of who there is to pick from!’
Charlie: ‘Bet that convent option is looking really good right about now!’

Monday 9th December  

7:24am – Toilet, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I’m currently sitting on the toilet. There is toilet paper with Christmas trees on it…’
Flossie: ‘You think that’s bad… look up…’
Penny: ‘Is that a Christmas Bell in the toilet?’
Flossie: ‘Correct’
Penny: ‘What are we supposed to do? Ring it in celebration when we’ve dropped a load?’
Flossie: ‘Either that or call for the maid to come and wipe your bottom’
Penny: ‘Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more ridiculous…’

10:13am – Sitting in the Office of Hell and Mass Christmas Card writing

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘How are plans for our overseas sojourn going?’
Dorian: ‘We leave in 20 days!’
Penny: ‘I’ve broken my toe and lost all feeling in my hands from writing 124 Christmas Cards today!’
Dorian: ‘It is currently snowing heavily in all planned destinations!’
Penny: ‘Oh snow and broken bones, this promises to bode well!’
Charlie: ‘What are those planned destinations!?’
Dorian: ‘Italy, France, England and Germany’
Penny: ‘Last time I checked only one of them really had a royal family worth following… I thought we were visiting the Sweden’s and Denmark’s of the world Dorian?’
Dorian: ‘We were until I realized that most of the Royal Families jet off to warmer climes or the Swiss Alps during January and decided we’d have much more luck marrying you off if we just stalked down cute French men en masse’
Penny: ‘This sounds promising…’
Charlie: ‘Do we have any other more legitimate plans other than marrying Penny off to whomever will take her?’
Dorian: ‘Uh… Euro Disney?’

Tuesday 10th December  

9:12am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘So I left the house with my hair looking like this today…

What Penny Did Next Barry Gibb

Flossie: ‘Jesus’
Penny: ‘Not quite. As I walked out, Mum said to me “Oh doesn’t your hair look gorgeous down!’’
Flossie: ‘She didn’t…’
Penny: ‘And then Bob turned around and said “What are you talking about? She looks like a Bee Gee!”’
Flossie: ‘I don’t know if I should be highly amused or highly disturbed that our twelve year old brother knows who the Bee Gees are…’
Flossie: ‘By the way, he’s right though. Dead ringer for Barry Gibb’
Penny: ‘Tragedy!’

6:45pm – Mitch’s Clown Cricket, Lords of the Northern Suburbs 

Mitch *bounding over*:
 ‘You came!’
Penny: ‘I’ll have you know, I’m a woman of my word! There’s nothing I like more than watching your skills in a Fine Leg Position, you know that’
Mitch *chuckling*: ‘We did alright actually, kept them to an achievable total’
Penny: ‘When are you batting?’
Mitch: ‘Not in until number 6, so I have time to hang out with my No. 1 fan’
Penny *looks around*: ‘Oh really, where is she?’
Mitch *laughing*: ‘You’re a twit, now tell me, how was Noosa and when are you going to make an honest man of me?’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘I doubt I’ll ever make an honest man out of you… and Noosa was beautiful and traumatic all at the same time’
Mitch: ‘Sounds a bit like our relationship… Such a Beautiful Disaster! That song could be the themesong to my life!’
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘Oh really…’

9:56pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I just went to put some cinnamon in my lemon drink… and I found some new spices on the rack’
Flossie: ‘And…’
Penny: ‘Ever read a recipe for anything with Frankincense and Myrrh in it?… Hmm, no? Didn’t think so’
Flossie: ‘Stay tuned. Mother Dearest and the Three Wise Men, coming to a spice rack near you!’

Wednesday 11th December  

11:23am – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘Ok, I think I might have finally collated some sort of information for you to do your SWOT on…’
Charlie: ‘My SWOT? Oh no no no no, this is YOUR SWOT, I’m just facilitating, nevertheless, send over what you’ve managed to collect’
Penny: ‘Ok, so Kennedy first:

Birthday: 7th July 1989
Favourite Sport: Fishing and Football
Who would they use their Green Pass for: Emily Blunt
Hobbies: Fishing, Football
Dogs or Cats: Fish
Favourite Food: Pastrami on Rye
Ideal holiday destination: New York
Top 5 Bucket List travel locations: Macchu Picu, Alaska, Iceland, Florence and Yemen
Gambling Yes or No: Yes
Occupation: Student and Professional Fisherman
Qualifications: Eventually a Bachelor of Commerce/Law
Poison of choice: Italian Beers
Place most likely to find them: Fishing
What do they drive: Me up the wall
Swedish House Mafia 
Dream job: Sports Writer or Travel Writer
At high school they would have been voted most likely to… Go Salmon Fishing in Yemen
What is their personal themesong: Beneath Your Beautiful – Labryinth feat. Emile Sande
Favourite book: Bernie Maddof – Wizard of Lies
Tell me a secret: This whole bloody situation with him is a secret’
Charlie: ‘Nicely done, although slightly concerning on the fish heavy theme… still, moving on… who’s next?’
Penny: ‘Myles is next…

Birthday: 29th December 1990
Favourite Sport: Football
Who would they use their Green Pass for? Gisele Bundchen
Hobbies: Football
Dogs or Cats? Dogs
Favourite Food: Lemon Chicken
Ideal holiday destination: Las Vegas
Top 5 Bucket List travel locations: Bali, Thailand, Ibiza, Mykonos, Rio De Janerio
Gambling: Life, relationships, destinations for a Saturday night – yes yes and yes
Occupation: Footballer and PT
Qualifications: Personal Trainer, Professional Flirt, Part Time human Christmas Tree
Poison of choice: Hahn Super Dry and Guava Cruisers after 11pm
Place most likely to find them: Beach or Footy field
What do they drive: Me to my knees
Swedish House Mafia 
Dream job: AFL Footballers
At high school they would have been voted most likely to… Play AFL Football
What is their personal themesong: You Shook Me All Night Long AC/DC
Favourite book: What is a book?
Tell me a secret: He’s not as bad as he comes across, actually a big softie’

Charlie: ‘This is coming along nicely, got any more for me?’
Penny: ‘Silly question, I haven’t spent the week rolling around in hay, chlorine and baby oil for nothing – Mr Vanilla is next!

Birthday: 19 February 1992
Favourite Sport: Football
Who would they use their Green Pass for: Penny Pinkerton
Hobbies: Swimming, Football, Xbox, Watching Movies, Running
Dogs or Cats: Cats
Favourite Food: Hamburgers
Ideal holiday destination: Boracay
Top 5 Bucket List travel locations: Spain, Netherlands, Norway, Uganda and Mexico
Gambling Yes or No: No
Occupation: Lifeguard and Student
Qualifications: Lifeguard studying a Bachelor of Environments at Melbourne Uni
Poison of choice: Does Chlorine count?
Place most likely to find them: Playing on the Xbox
What do they drive: Old school Daihatsu
Swedish House Mafia 
Dream job: Pilot
At high school they would have been voted most likely to… perform on Broadway
What is your personal themesong: Never Tear Us Apart – INXS
Favourite book: Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Tell me a secret: He actually has a very beautiful girlfriend’

Charlie: ‘He has a girlfriend?’
Penny: ‘He does indeed’
Charlie: ‘I’d be heartened by the fact he’d use his Green Pass for you except for the perform on Broadway part…’
Penny: ‘All the world’s a stage my dear, and all the men and women merely players…’
Charlie: ‘Continue before I whack you with my Shakespearian prod, who is next?’
Penny: ‘Mitch…

Birthday: 25th January  1988
Favourite Sport: Cricket
Who would they use their Green Pass for: Kate Upton
Hobbies: Golf, Cricket, Footy,
Dogs or Cats? Dogs
Favourite Food: Kebabs
Ideal holiday destination: USA
Top 5 Bucket List travel locations: North America, Canada, Hawaii, England and West Indies
Gambling Yes or No? Yes and frequently
Occupation: Air Freight Manager at the Airport
Qualifications: Sweetheart, serial charmer and sometimes half decent cricketer
Poison of choice: Jim Beam
Place most likely to find them: At the bar
What do they drive: Holden Maloo
Jimmy Barnes
Dream job: Editor of Zoo Magazine
At high school they would have been voted most likely to…become a male model
What is their personal themesong: Beautiful Disaster – Kelly Clarkson
Favourite book: Does Zoo Magazine count?
Tell me a secret: Loves hugs and kebabs and usually at the same time’

Charlie: ‘Sounds charming… I don’t know where you find these boys, so is that it?
Penny: ‘He is beautiful and no, there is one more…’
Charlie: ‘More?’
Penny: ‘Last one, it’s Fletch…

Birthday: 4th August 1987
Favourite Sport: Scrabble
Green Pass for: Megan Gale when sober, Miranda Kerr when drunk
Hobbies: Scrabble, Horse Racing, Cricket, Reading, Duct Tape
Dogs or Cats: Dogs
Favourite Food: Chicken Parma
Ideal holiday destination: England
Top 5 Bucket List travel locations: Paris, South Africa, Guernsey, Mongolia, Alaska
Gambling: Only when it involves Dad’s horses, so yes, all of the time
Occupation: Keeping Penny sane
Qualifications: Bachelor of Law & Bachelor of Business
Poison of choice: Tequila
Place most likely to find them: Beach, Racetrack, Golf Course
Drives: An Audi
Jimmy Barnes 
Dream job: Professional Golfer
At high school they would have been voted most likely to… run a global company
What is their personal themesong: Bonfire Heart – James Blunt
Favourite book: Catch Me If You Can – Frank Abagnale
Tell me a secret: He never quite gets around to it…’

Charlie: ‘Never quite gets around to it, you know, I’m not a psychic, but I’d suggest the day he finally does get around to telling you a secret, your decision might be a lot easier…’
Penny: ‘He lives in Sydney, I’m never going to have to make any decisions, I’m going to be young and carefree and mischievous for quite some time yet’
Charlie: ‘Well, that’s what you think…’

8:20pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Flossie: ‘The kitchen smells funny…’
Penny *sniffing*: ‘I know… it’s like a sweet but spicy smell, it’s really odd…’
Bob *bounding in*: ‘What are those things near the fruit bowl?! They look like hand grenades!’
Flossie: ‘What things?’
Bob: ‘Those orange balls with all of the little black spikes all over them…’
Penny: ‘Oh Jesus. That’s what smells funny! They’re oranges with cloves stuck in them.’
Flossie: ‘Are they some sort of lethal Christmas decoration’
Penny *nodding*: ‘We should be so proud, our Mother, the James Bond of Christmas Decorations…’

 

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