Penny Ploughs On

Chapter 17 


Thursday 14th November 

7:02am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘Can you hear that noise in the kitchen? I’m afraid to get up!’
Penny: ‘The honking noise?’
Flossie: ‘It sounds like the roof is creaking and about to fall in. Either that or we’ve acquired a donkey’
Penny: ‘Never fear, Bob is here. He’s just practicing his harmonica…’
Flossie: ‘That is actually MUSIC?’

10:33am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message 
Flossie: ‘I’ve just been cornered by Mum in the kitchen’
Penny: ‘Ah, it’s times like these you wish we had a round house isn’t it?’
Flossie: ‘What? Anyway, she wanted to grill me about you. Apparently she a dream of realisations last night’
Penny: ‘So she told me as I zipped out the door, so what is it? Has she decided I’m intended for a Russian Oligarch instead of a British Royal?’
Flossie: ‘Not quite, unless Russian Oligarchs happen to be female?’
Penny: ‘I don’t follow…Just spit it out Floss’
Flossie: ‘She read the birthday card that Charlie gave you, and now she’s convinced you’re a lesbian’
Penny: ‘Oh good God.’

12:31pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Chloe-Lee: ‘Just drove past a Ferrari parked on Edwardes St…’
Penny: ‘Obviously lost and stopped to ask for directions’

4:57pm – Still sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘Unbelievable. Just took Bob to buy an ice-cream and when I get there, I find out Mum has given him $20! And she didn’t give me any!’
Penny: ‘Well Flossie, I hate to break it to you, but sometimes when you’re 20, you have to buy your own ice-cream…’

9:35pm – Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny 

Sitting here quietly proofreading and listening to Puccini’s Turandot when Father Bear walks in…

Father Bear: ‘I know this song! Where do I know this song from…’
Penny *pauses*: ‘It is from the opera Turandot and is called “Nessun Dorma”…’
Father Bear *stares blankly* 
Penny *sighs*: ‘Oh alright Dad, it’s also on the Carlton Draught ad’
Father Bear *fist pumps*: ‘AHAAAAA!!!! I knew I knew it! How cultured am I?!’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Very…’

11:34pm – Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘I am 1250 words away from redemption. I’m surrounded by three bowls, two plates and a container. I’ve eaten enough in the last four hours to feed a small African nation. I’m wearing full body compression gear. And a teacosy on my head as a beanie. The end is so near. The end is so far away’
Charlie: ‘Last essay of the year? Ganbatte! Yoku Dekimashita!’
Penny: ‘Pretty sure that is Japanese for “You are dressed like a teapot and you eat like a Sumo. You will bring shame on your ancestors”’
Charlie: ‘Something like that’

Friday 15th November 

1:34am – Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘There really is nothing like History to put it all into perspective for you… “The only major disruption Europe suffered between 1000 and 1500 was the Black Death, which killed somewhere between one-quarter and one-third of the human population”…. so apart from that ‘minor 1/3 of the population dying’ hiccup it seems life was peachy then ey?’
Fletch: ‘Perspective. It’s a magnificent thing. Reminds me of an article I read the other day, I think you’d like it… Incidentally called “Perspective”’

1:46am – Still Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘Whoever wrote that is absolutely on the money. My problems have been completely obliterated over the past seven hours I have spent immersed in the ongoing impacts of the Black Plague. Well apart from the problem of not having finished the essay’
Fletch: ‘How much longer have you got to go?’
Penny: ‘Only another 600 words plus referencing, but really in comparison to the fact that they believe the plague completely depopulated India, I feel this is small fry’
Fletch: ‘I thought the Plague was only in Europe’
Penny: ‘So did I, until 3 hours ago. Boy did that little chesnut change the landscape of my argument. And the entire third paragraph’

3:22am – Lying on the Floor under the Desk in the Lands of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘The Black Plague of Essay Writing has taken my will to live. Along with 70% of the population of England. There is no hope left’
Fletch: ‘According to Google there is. It is believed that to starve off the plague one must “be happy and avoid bad thoughts, drink good wine, avoid eating fruit, put fragrant herbs in beverages, avoid lechery, do not abuse the poor, eat and drink in moderation, maintain a household in accordance with a person’s status”’
Penny: ‘I’m sitting in my room which I have cleaned whilst writing/avoiding writing, I’m eating chocolate (there is no fruit in sight) and I’ve just inhaled a large quantity of Bailey’s on the Rocks with mint leaves so I am now practically ecstatic/paralytic. Be gone Black Plague! Be gone!’
Fletch: ‘You may have actually lost your marbles…’

4:14am – Lying on the Desk in the Lands of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘FINISHED! Success is mine! I have survived! *faceplants into computer screen*’
Fletch: ‘Penny? Go to bed’
Penny: ‘Tuck me in?’
Fletch: ‘One day. Sweet Dreams Penny P’

10:56am – Bourke St Mall, The Most Livable City in the World 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I think I’ve just been propositioned by a 10ft Candy Cane’
Charlie: ‘Tis the season to be merry?’
Penny: ‘Fa la la la, la la la laaaa’

2:23pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘I think Bob is playing against your juniors tonight’
Mitch: ‘Is he? I’ll have to come down and watch the little master bat! Will you be there?’
Penny: ‘Naturally, I’m his biggest fan’
Mitch: ‘Wish you were my biggest fan…’

3:44pm – Lying Under the Desk in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I am nothing if not consistent. Left the last piece of assessment until the very last day of the examination period to hand in – check. Written most of it after midnight for a week – check. Finished it at 4am as usual – check. Celebrated by passing out on my desk on a pile of papers next to a huge pile of dishes – CHECK!’
Fletch: ‘Impressive’
Penny: ‘Thank you for keeping me company/sane last night whilst I trudged towards essay glory/held off an early death from bubonic plague. What were you doing up so late?’
Fletch: ‘Just talking to you…’

6:13pm – Watching Bob bat, Lords of the North 

Mother Dearest *looking concerned*: ‘I’m not sure Bob’s box is in right’
Flossie: ‘What do you mean? Is it upside down?’
Penny *rolls eyes*: ‘Not another box disaster’
Mother Dearest *looking indignant*: ‘I’m very concerned Penny, what if it does him damage! Do you think I should check?’
Flossie *raises eyebrows*
Mother Dearest: ‘Is it possible for it to go hard while you’re wearing a box?’
Mitch: ‘Absolutely not’
Flossie: ‘Maybe there’s been general growth in that area?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Oo, that would be good!’
Penny: ‘Oh god’

Saturday 16th November

11:12am – Out walking the Streets of the Northern Suburbs 

via Text Message 
Flossie: ‘Just had a disturbing conversation with Mother Dearest’
Penny: ‘As opposed to the usual conversations…’
Flossie: ‘Well I was walking around moaning about not having finished my homework for that course and she kind of lost it with me’
Penny: ‘Well you have been moaning about the homework instead of doing it for a good week, what did she say?’
Flossie: ‘Something along the lines of “Right! That’s it! You clearly will not do this homework on your own. New rule: No sex until you finish your homework’
Penny: ‘Oh God.’

12:49pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘So I joined the gym this morning’
Penny: ‘Ah that old institution of mass sweat and lycra. And how did you go?’
Charlie: ‘Well I’ve never been to one before, so it was interesting, the guy started me off with an assessment’
Penny: ‘What did you have to do?’
Charlie: ‘A bunch of different tests. But I was intimidated by the machines! So I ended up coming in as a beginner on nearly everything’
Penny: ‘Well that’s ok, you have to start somewhere’
Charlie: ‘But in good news, apparently I am an advanced planker!’
Penny: ‘Your parents must be so proud!’

3:46pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Hey, just wanted to send through a huge thank you for last week, it’s been a bit crazy since I got back, haven’t had a chance to say a proper thank you. It was wonderful’
Kennedy: ‘No problems’
Penny: ‘And now, with the power vested in me as the resident Jesus of Pinkerton Land I grant that your lands be abundantly fertile and you find many fish in the sea.’
Kennedy: ‘You are something else. Fancy dinner on Monday night PennyJesus?’
Penny: ‘Sounds delightful’

Sunday 17th November 

10:11am – Zipping about in the Beep Beep Barina

Penny: ‘Why are you sitting with a towel between your legs?’
Flossie: ‘Because it’s all sweaty between my thighs and it’s driving me bananas’
Penny *raises eyebrow*: ‘Oh, you’ve got the gorilla down there again have you?’

2:34pm – Being a Disciple of the Sun, Black Rock Beach

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘Are you still going to the opera with Fletch this week? Is that tomorrow night?’
Penny: ‘Opera is Wednesday night, I’ve got dinner with Kennedy tomorrow night’
Charlie: ‘Your life is becoming like an episode of Sex and the City. I can barely keep up’
Penny: ‘Minus the Cosmopolitans. And Sarah Jessica Parker’
Charlie: ‘Perhaps it might be time to do a SWOT analysis of the boy situation…’
Penny: ‘That’d be the first time I put that part of my university education to good use…’
Charlie: ‘I’ll send you a list I’ve got, all you have to do is do a SWOT on each, or at least align them into some sort of table that gives you half a chance of not turning out like Elizabeth Taylor…’
Penny: ‘Naw, but I really wanted to have eight weddings!’

7:17pm – Sitting at the Desk in the Lands of Penny 

The Beer Opera Saga of the Pinkertons continues…

Penny listening to Nessun Dorma from Turandot again as Father Bear walks in

Father Bear: “What are you listening to that again for? Look what you’ve made me do! Hearing that has made me thirsty, I’ve had to go and open a bottle of Carlton Draught….”
Penny: “Puccini would be so proud…”

Monday 18th November

9:58am – Sitting in the Office of Hell and Caterwauling

via Text Message
Fletch: ‘Are you getting excited about Wednesday night?’
Penny: ‘I am a little. It’s been a while since I’ve been to the opera! I’ve been listening to get myself in the mood’
Fletch: ‘Well I don’t think it will have changed much, it is generally a bunch of fat blokes walking about singing in a language I don’t understand’
Penny: ‘You make it sound so appealing, you have clearly never seen Teddy Tahu Rhodes as Don Giovanni’
Fletch: ‘I haven’t, what is so good about that?’
Penny: ‘Well he plays a good part, his voice is magnificent and I quite like the opera. Oh, and he rips his clothes off’
Fletch: ‘I should have guessed…’
Penny: ‘Leather shorts haven’t looked this good since Kylie…’

What Penny Did Next Teddy Tahu Rhodes Don Giovanni

Fletch: ‘I’m impressed he can still sing as a baritone in those…’

11:02am – Sitting in the Office of Hell and Caterwauling

The President *walking in*: 
‘Good Morning Penny’
Penny *looks up*: ‘Morning’
The President *looks concerned*: ‘Penny. I have a serious matter to discuss with you. I find it highly unprofessional that you have brought your pet to work and I am personally offended that you think you can get away with it’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Uh… I have a Golden Retriever…’
The President: ‘Well what is that cat doing in the office?’
Penny *peers over desk*: ‘Oh that’s just one of the many strays who lives here. You know, the ones I have mentioned previously making a lot of noise in the roof? They also come down into the office and defecate everywhere. But on the plus side, they have helped curb the mouse plague we had in here’
The President *looking horrified*: ‘Uh…’
Penny: ‘Oh but you are absolutely right, it is highly unprofessional to be working in an office full of rodents and stray cats. I’m not sure it is exactly in line with providing a safe working environment for your employees…’

1:28pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell and Caterwauling

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Are we still on for dinner tonight?’
Kennedy: ‘Something has come up… can I grab a raincheck?’
Penny: ‘No worries, when were you thinking?’
Kennedy: ‘I’ll let you know’

6:17pm – Preseason Training, The Ground of Hell and Canteen Disasters

Roxie:
 ‘Hey Penny, the boys have come up with an excellent fundraising idea’
Penny: ‘If it’s another Bunnings BBQ tell them I’ve had enough sausage for one year’
Snicks: ‘Oh no, I think you’ll like this one’
Myles *wandering over*: ‘Had enough sausage for one year have you Penny? Never thought I’d hear you say that’
Roxie: ‘They’re thinking of doing a calendar, you know like a Men for All Seasons Calendar’
Myles *grinning*: ‘But we need someone to help us organize it. Surely you’d be up for rubbing us down with some baby oil?’
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘Uh’
Myles: ‘I’ll take that as a yes. Give me a week to round up the boys, we start shooting next Monday’
Penny: ‘Right. Baby Oil. Photography. Naked Footballers. Next Monday. Good. Got it.’
Roxie: ‘Are you feeling alright Penny?’
Penny: ‘I think I need to lie down’

8:23pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Bob: 
‘We had the ‘Puberty Talk’ at school today…’
Mother Dearest: ‘Oooh, what was in it?’
Penny: ‘Why Mum, hoping to learn something new?’

Tuesday 19th November

11:34am – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘It would appear that Mother Dearest has been gardening again’
Penny: ‘Oh yes, what great feats of horticultural glory has she achieved this week?’
Flossie: ‘Well, I asked her about this and she advised me that she put her plant outside to get a bit of sun and fresh air. Forgot about it for two days and has just brought it back inside’
Penny: ‘And has the fresh air and sun done it any good?’
Flossie: ‘Hard to tell at this stage…’

What Penny Did Next Chapter 17 Dead Plant

3:11pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Dorian: ‘So I’ve been googling European countries with eligible royals for us to visit’
Penny: ‘Again?’
Dorian: ‘One can never be too thorough! I have to have you two married off by the time we get back!’
Penny: ‘Sometimes I suspect you are in cahoots with my Mother…’
Charlie: ‘I see that despite my best efforts we are about to have the Disney tour of Europe together’
Dorian: ‘Quite frankly, if we don’t meet at least one Prince Charming, three dwarves and Pocahontas I am going to be very disappointed’
Penny: ‘Isn’t Pocahontas a Native American?’
Dorian: ‘That is beside the point’
Charlie: ‘Oh dear’

8:02pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Running out the door to netball, dressed completely in lycra looking like the ghost of Jane Fonda circa 1982 and Mother Dearest unleashes this chestnut…

Mother Dearest: ‘Um… Penny… I have a serious question to ask you…’
Penny: *running past* ‘Uh Yes?’
Mother Dearest: *serious face* ‘Um… do you have a man in your life?’
Penny: *stops in tracks*
Mother Dearest: ‘Well I was talking to Aunty Shirley at Pilates and she asked if your father had asked me the question that she asked Uncle Ron to ask him… about if you were bringing a friend to Christmas dinner… and you know there have been several men turning up at the door…*pauses* and then she looked at me seriously… like she knew something I didn’t….’
Penny: *mouth gaping open*
Mother Dearest: ‘Well… do you?!’
Penny: *pauses* ‘Well, Mother Dearest quite frankly I’m disappointed you didn’t tell her that Prince Harry will be joining us on Christmas Day!’

Honestly. Four quarters in centre is a piece of pie compared to getting out of this house each day.

10:14pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

Went to netball tonight under the illusion that “finals = a higher standard of netball.” Spent the entire evening being molested by a 52 year old’s large breasts.
Subsequently feel like I’ve just starred in the Lycra Nights: The Tale of Two Titties.

Note to Self 

The notion of physical exercise for self improvement is often misleading.

Wednesday 20th November 

11:22am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘Have you done that SWOT on all of the men in your life yet?’
Penny: ‘Dammit… I knew there was something I hadn’t done! I got about halfway through it, and then Kennedy rescheduled dinner on Monday night and then, I just… yeh. I forgot’
Charlie: ‘Forgot or decided to ignore? You went away with one last week and you’re going on a date with another one to the opera tonight… You’re moving faster than Kim Cattrall on the tail of a 25 year old sailor’
Penny: ‘I clearly have higher morals/hemlines/standards/alcohol tolerance than Kim. And I strongly doubt tonight is a date, Fletch and I are just friends and he lives in Sydney’
Charlie: ‘And he is flying down to take you to the opera…’
Penny: ‘Well… he’s a nice person’
Charlie: ‘Sometimes I do wonder if you have a higher IQ than her though…’

4:52pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Bob: ‘What is that noise?’
Penny: ‘I believe that is Flossie. She’s just pulled into the driveway’
Bob *confused look*: ‘It sounds like cats dying, not a car driving?’
Penny: ‘That’s because what you can hear is Flossie singing along to Defying Gravity from Wicked… ‘
Bob *worried look*
Penny: ‘It’s got a High F that is pretty hard to hit’
Bob *raises eyebrows*: ‘It sounds like anything high is pretty hard to hit for Flossie…’

5:56pm – Hallway, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Doorbell Rings

Bob *running to the door*: ‘I’ll get it!’
Penny *muttering to self in the bedroom*: ‘Oh shit’
Father Bear *marches through the house*: ‘Oh who the bloody hell could this be’
Mother Dearest *head pops through to the doorway*: ‘Who could be visiting at this time?’
Flossie *comes bounding into the hallway*: ‘Oh who is it?’
Bob *opens the door*: ‘Hello?’
Fletch *staring in at entire Pinkerton Family Mad*: ‘Hey everyone!’
Bob *yelling*: ‘Hey Penny! That bloke is back again to eat your buns!’

6:27pm – Zipping along in the 123 Cab

Fletch: ‘How’s work, any new uses for duct tape?’
Penny: ‘None immediately come to mind…’
Fletch: ‘That’s unusual for you, usually you always have a project that requires some…’
Penny: ‘Well we’re doing a calendar soon, but I’m not sure how exactly I’m going to work duct tape into it’
Fletch *raises eyebrows*: ‘A calendar? Should I ask what kind?’
Penny: ‘The kind that involves baby oil.’
Fletch: ‘I see’

9:12pm – Arts Centre, Most Liveable City in the World

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘How’s the non-date trip to the Opera going?’
Penny: ‘We’re holding hands. I suspect this is not a non-date’
Charlie: ‘Ohhh, you don’t say Sherlock?’
Penny: ‘Oh shut up Watson’

11:57pm – Wandering around the World’s Most Liveable City

Fletch: ‘So do I have to have you home before midnight so you don’t turn into a pumpkin?’
Penny *grinning*: ‘I think there might be a little leeway before my Fairy Godmother turns up and demands for her vegetables back’
Fletch: ‘Are you sure? Pumpkin soup waits for no princess…’
Penny *giggling*: ‘I’m almost certain, I am at your liberty this evening’
Fletch: ‘Well that is very very good news, because I have a surprise for you Penny Pinkerton’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Well that sounds nice… as long as it I can still be happy and avoid bad thoughts, drink good wine, avoid eating fruit, put fragrant herbs in beverages, avoid lechery, do not abuse the poor, eat and drink in moderation and maintain a household in accordance with my status… I am still actively avoiding the Black Plague you know’
Fletch *laughing*: ‘I promise Penny. Come Black Plague, Mouse Plague, Stray Cat Plague, Duct Tape Plague or the burning fires of Essay Hell, whatever the danger, I will protect you’

 

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