Penny Likes Her Eggs Sunnyside Up

Chapter 14 


Thursday 24th October 

7:03am – Lying in the Castle of Penny
via Text Message

Charlie: 
‘I’ve just woken up and found that the backs of my knees are dry and itchy. At times like this, I wonder to myself, What Would Jesus Do?’
Penny: ‘…. Moisturise?’

9:14am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘I am spending the day meditating on the direction of my life’
Penny: ‘And what does that involve currently?’
Flossie: ‘At the moment lying in my bed staring at the ceiling’

9:22am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘I am now lying in my bed staring at the wall’
Penny: ‘#progress’

9:46am – Still Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘I have rolled over and am now staring across the abyss of clothes that is my floordrobe to the door…’
Penny: ‘And…’
Flossie: ‘The direction of my life just took a turn for the worse…’
Penny: ‘Or at least a turn for the St. Vinnie’s bin very shortly?’

11:21am – Still Sitting in the Office of Hell and Caterwauling

via Email 
Food Safety Inspector: ‘Dear Penny,
Please find attached below a final report on your canteen and food service areas. Please note the areas marked in red require urgent attention or you will not be recertified for next season. Should you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to get in touch’

11:34am – Lying Under the Desk in the Office of Hell

via Phone Call 
Penny: ‘The Food Safety Inspector sent through the final report on the canteen’
Goldie: ‘What was the prognosis?
Penny: ‘He highlighted the areas that require urgent attention before he will recertify us in red. The page kind of looks like the Swiss Flag’
Goldie: ‘The Swiss Flag… remind me what that is again?’
Penny: ‘All red. Apart from one small white cross in the middle’
Goldie: ‘Oh…’
Penny: ‘But this should be pretty easy to fix, I mean there’s only 15 things here that need addressing… Non-stick mats for tiles, caulk and seal all crevices and corners in canteen space, clean ventilation shafts, retile the coolroom, reseal the coolroom, buy four new stainless steel benches, get the canteen rewired, put supporting beams in place to support the lean, get ventilation fans installed in cool room, get the freezers resealed, get the fridges resealed, removed the water stains from the walls, get the deep fryer professionally cleaned and have an exterminator do an assessment of the space and put traps in’
Goldie: ‘Oh, here I was thinking it was going to be difficult! That sounds doable. So tell me, when are you winning Tattslotto?’
Penny: ‘Frankly, I think he can consider himself lucky if it gets a new lick of paint and a few new mouse traps’
Goldie: ‘Please do tell me how it goes when you tell The President’
Penny: ‘

12:40pm – Standing in the Canteen of Rodent Invasions and Health Hazards

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘I am contemplating life whilst soaking my lentils’
Penny: ‘I am contemplating life whilst on my knees scrubbing mould off a coolroom wall with a scourer’

12:42pm – Still standing in the Canteen of Rodent Invasions and Health Hazards

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Incidentally, I can no longer feel my fingers, which are cramping and my pants are wet through at the knees’
Flossie: ‘Wet patches on your knees and cramping fingers… I don’t think I want to contemplate how you got those…’

3:52pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Text Message 
Flossie: ‘I am going to go and buy forget-me-nots and plant them so they will flower next year’
Penny: ‘6 hours of life planning and this is what you come up with? #inspiring’

6:11pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Penny:
 ‘Where’s Flossie?’
Father Bear: ‘I sent her to bed’
Penny *pops her head into Flossie’s Room*: ‘She’s not in there?’
Father Bear: ‘No, I sent her to bed in our bed. When I got home, she was having an emotional breakdown over owning too many pairs of underwear’
Penny: ‘Hmm, you know the contemplating life session got a little out of hand when there’s tears over Cottontails’

Friday 25th October 

10:41am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Email
Penny: ‘To the President,
Please find attached the report from the Food Safety Inspector. As you will notice, the main issues are structural and beyond the scope of my position and control as the Food Safety Supervisor. I will require your support and assistance to rectify these issues in a timely manner, Kind Regards, Penny’

11:03am – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Email
The President: ‘Good Morning Penny,
I have read over this email and am disappointed that this is the situation; I expected that we could have avoided most of this by fixing these issues prior to his attendance. We do not have the budget for this kind of spending and therefore you will have to take a trip to Bunnings, invest in some caulk and investigate other options to resolve this. I expect these problems will be fixed before the end of November’

11:31am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Email 
Penny: ‘To the President,
I share your disappointment at the state of our canteen, having worked in this space over the past few years I am aware of its shortcomings and the numerous occupational health and safety hazards the staff and myself endure on a weekly basis. I am more than happy to visit Bunnings as you suggest, and believe I can resolve three to four of the issues listed, however as I have not got a Builders License and haven’t completed a carpentry or air conditioning apprenticeship, I will not be able to resolve the structural and ventilation issues highlighted. I will prepare a report upon these items to be tabled at a Board Meeting’

12:06am – Lying under the desk in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘According the President I now have a carpentry qualification and I specialize in air conditioning and ventilation’
Goldie: ‘I don’t quite follow…’
Penny: ‘He just emailed me to say that we don’t have the budget to fix those issues, so I’ll have to go to Bunnings, buy myself a tube of caulk and fix them myself.’
Goldie: ‘I have a suggestion for a place you could put that tube of caulk…’

3:22pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

Myles *wandering in*: ‘Hey Penny P, I’m here to collect my jumper!’
Penny *looking up*: ‘Oh, hey…’
Myles: ‘Hmm, you look stressed… do you need a shoulder massage?’
Penny *exhales*: ‘That would be lovely’
Myles *massaging shoulders*: ‘What’s the problem?’
Penny: ‘Oh I’ve spent the day dealing with dicks, and I’ve had enough of them’
Myles *chuckling*: ‘Really? You can never seem to get enough of mine…’

5:33pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message 
Kennedy: ‘You still keen for some beach this weekend? What time shall I pick you up?’
Penny: ‘Hey you, slight spanner in the works, I have to go to cricket tomorrow briefly, but I am happy to drive myself down if you give me the directions. I will probably get there around 4:30 – 5:00pm!’
Kennedy: ‘Busy and important woman aren’t you? I’ll flick you some directions tonight, just ring me tomorrow if you get confused when you’re on your way down’

7:43pm – Still Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Facebook Messenger
Roxie: ‘What’s plans for the weekend girls? Fancy a night out? Tonight? Tomorrow?’
Snicks: ‘I’m keen!’
Penny: ‘I’m out, I’m currently lying in bed, I’ve spent the day arguing with the President over caulk, then Myles came in to get his jumper and gave me a shoulder massage as payment (for the jumper or something else, I’m not entirely sure) and tomorrow I’ve got to go and watch Mitch play cricket and then I’m heading down to Sorrento to visit Kennedy’
Roxie: ‘Myles, Mitch, Kennedy… I can barely keep track…’
Snicks: ‘Whatever you do Penny, just don’t yell out the wrong name? *winks*’
Penny: ‘Hilarious you are, just hilarious’

Saturday 26th October

9:33am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Charlie: ‘ARRGH! I think I scratched my itchy knees in my sleep and now I have two big red marks on the back of my knees! What are people going to think?’
Penny: ‘You think you’ve got problems? I spent so long scrubbing on knees on Thursday that I’ve taken the skin off both knees, they are red raw… and I know exactly what people are going to think!’
Charlie: ‘You win. Hands down’

9:46am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

Flossie *bounding in*: ‘I’ve spent two days contemplating life, and I think I’ve finally discovered something!’
Penny: ‘Beyond a latent wish to become a green thumb?’
Flossie *confused*: ‘Uh, I don’t have a life ambition to use green paint wearing latex gloves…’
Penny *rolls eyes*: ‘Continue…’
Flossie: ‘Well, I figure I am expressive and very dramatic, so I think I should become a mime artist!’ *claps hands*
Penny: ‘You do realise that mime artists are silent…’
Flossie *nodding*: ‘Yes…’
Penny: ‘And that you are quite possibly the single loudest person on planet earth…?’
Flossie *face drops*: ‘Oh… you’re right… perhaps mime isn’t for me’
Penny: ‘It’s a shame, because you really do have the eyebrows for it’ *chuckles*

1:14pm – Boundary Line, The Edgbaston of the North 

Mitch *jogging over*: ‘Hey! You came!’
Penny: ‘Well when it comes to you, it was about time I came…’
Mitch *chuckling*: ‘Well, what do you think?’
Penny: ‘If you’re work at fine leg is half as good off the field, as it is on the field, I may be in for a real treat’
Mitch *blushing*: ‘I think I’m speechless’
Penny: ‘Now Mitch, I believe the correct term for that is “Clean Bowled”’

5:12pm – Driving in the Beep Beep Barina

via Phone Call
Kennedy: ‘Hey Penny, are you here?’
Penny *chewing*: ‘Um I think I’m nearby? But I can’t be sure’
Kennedy: ‘The line is really bad, I can hardly hear you’
Penny: ‘Oh no, that’s just me I’m eating a cucumber, and I’m driving along surrounded by capsicums and apricots’
Kennedy: ‘Have you stolen a fruit and veg van?’
Penny: ‘No no, I’m just hungry and possibly missed the turn off because I was too busy keeping my apricots under control’

7:44pm – Lounge Room, Chez Kennedy

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I’ve arrived at Kennedy’s place – it’s really nice, got a lovely beach view. And the family are working at the resort so it’s nice and quiet’
Charlie: ‘Nice and quiet eh? Wink wink/nudge nudge’
Penny: ‘Hilarious you are. Got all the blankets out on the couch ready for when I want to go to sleep, might watch a movie and just enjoy each other’s company’
Charlie: ‘So that’s what you kids call it these days… well, have fun!’

9:10pm – Lounge Room, Chez Kennedy

Kennedy: ‘Hey, Mum’s just texted, there’s a couple of spare rooms down at the resort tonight, might be a bit more comfortable than the fold out couch in the lounge room?’
Penny: ‘Oh that sounds lovely! That’s the place with the big fence I passed on my way here? I can just drive over there now’
Kennedy: ‘Nah, it’s all good, I’ll just get my stuff and take you over’
Penny: ‘Oh ok… thanks!’

9:56pm – Resort of Kennedy & Co. 

Kennedy: ‘We’re in Room 31, just across the corridor there…’
Penny: ‘Ah I see it’
Kennedy *opens door*: ‘Hey everyone, we’re here’
Penny: ‘Everyone?…’
Kennedy: ‘Mum, Dad, Brodie this is Penny’
Penny *eyes wide open*: ‘Oh, hello. I didn’t realise I’d have the pleasure of meeting you while I was down here’
Kennedy’s Mum: ‘Hey Penny, call me Angie. It’s lovely to finally meet you! Kennedy’s mentioned you a few times’
Kennedy: ‘Yeh, yeh Mum whatever’
Penny *smiling*: ‘Well I’m sure it’s only been about my inability to follow directions!’
Kennedy’s Mum: ‘The front room is all made up and ready for you’
Kennedy: ‘Sweet thanks Mum, think we might head off to bed now actually. Penny’s had a big day of driving around Sorrento chewing on long hard vegetables…’

Sunday 27th October 

7:33am – Lying in the Castle of the Kennedy Resort

Penny: ‘I just woke up’
Charlie: ‘Me too’
Penny: ‘I should rephrase that. I just woke up. In a bed that’s not mine’
Charlie: ‘That makes sense; you’re staying at Kennedy’s place aren’t you? How’s the couch?’
Penny: ‘There was a slight change of plans. I’m no longer on the couch in the lounge room. I’m now in a lovely king size bed in the resort’
Charlie: ‘In the resort! That sounds amazing! I love those beds! They always come with too many cushions and goose down doonas’
Penny: ‘And in this case, a Kennedy as well’
Charlie: ‘A Kennedy? Oh… my…’
Penny: ‘That’s what I said… several times’

Monday 28th October 

11:11am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Mitch: ‘Found this picture in a catalogue, thought of you…

What Penny Did Next Penny Likes her Eggs Sunnyside Up Deep Penetrating Massage

Penny: ‘I’m not sure whether I should be deeply flattered or deeply concerned’
Mitch: ‘I was going for deeply aroused. You are impossible sometimes’

12:02pm – In the land of the Intellectuals

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘Feeling like a hero and Student of the Year’
Fletch: ‘What historic and life changing discovery have you made?’
Penny: ‘Discovery? Oh no. I’ve just come into uni to borrow a book, on a day when I don’t have class, for an essay that is not due until NEXT week’
Fletch: ‘You give a new meaning to the term “Overachiever”, you really do’

2:11pm – Sitting at the Station Formerly Known as Spencer St Station

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘Melbourne’s Public Transport System. Shattering my childhood illusions, one spoonful of sugarfree Equal at a time’

What Penny Did Next Penny Likes Her Eggs Sunnyside Up Southern Cross Station Mary Poppins

7:45pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Bob *swaggering in*:
 ‘So Penny, today we went on an interschool excursion again, and I saw those girls from last week’
Penny: ‘Did they throw more planes at you?’
Bob *grins*: ‘No, but I did find three notes in my bag at the end of the day’
Penny: ‘What did they say?’
Bob: ‘One said something like “You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about”…’
Penny *raises eyebrows*
Bob *confused look*: ‘I don’t want a novel, but they could have started with a phone number or something…’
Penny: ‘Love is complex Bob. And don’t even get me started on girls’
Bob *eyes widening* 

Tuesday 29th October

10:03am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘Shame you couldn’t come to the pool this morning Schitz, Mr. Vanilla was there again’
JB Schitz: ‘Ah, anymore loving gazes across the pool deck’
Penny: ‘Well we did have a little moment… he started work half way through my session, and came and stood at the top of my lane for the last ten minutes of my sesh, including during the stretches’
JB Schitz: ‘Including during the stretch where you squat like you’re on a Balinese toilet against the wall to stretch out your groins’
Penny: ‘Including during that stretch…’
JB Schitz: ‘And then what happened?!’
Penny: ‘Well…

What Penny thinks happened…
“Mr. Vanilla *squatting down by the poolside*: ‘Hey! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you around?’
Penny *floating gracefully in the water*: ‘Oh why, have you been looking for me?’
Mr. Vanilla *smiling*: ‘I might have noticed you weren’t here’
Penny: ‘Ah no doubt missed watching my pretty head bob up and down’
Mr. Vanilla *chuckling*: ‘How did you know? I’ve got to have something to look at while I’m working!’
Penny *giggling attractively*

What actually happened…
“Mr. Vanilla *squatting down by the poolside*: ‘Hey! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you around?’
Penny *red faced and squatting in the water mid-groin stretch*: ‘Oh, I’ve been working and I’ve been a bit slack. Were you just checking the area to make sure you’re safe?’
Mr. Vanilla *laughing*: ‘Ah, so you haven’t made it to the pool’
Penny *legs akimbo against the wall*: ‘I’ve been driving into to other pools in Richmond and Northcote, so I can catch the train into work afterwards and then catch it back out to work near there at the night time’
Mr. Vanilla *smiling and nodding*
Penny: ‘I think I was here last weekend, maybe I wasn’t… so perhaps I was being slack? Probably I was being slack. Oh wait, I was at the cricket and then I decided I’d rather watch the cricket on Sunday too’
Mr. Vanilla: ‘Ah I understand’
Penny: ‘Oh and I’ve been here early one morning, one of the other Lifeguards nearly fell in the pool when he saw me, not sure if it was because I was early or because I don’t look all that spectacular that early in the morning’
Mr. Vanilla *laughing and smiling and looking gorgeous*
Penny *heaving self out of the pool 30cm away from Mr. Vanilla*: ‘Well, I’m done for the day, have a lovely rest of the weekend!’ *walks off and doesn’t look back*” 

JB Schitz: ‘You give life to the phrase “Could talk underwater with a brick on her head and a mouth full of golf balls”; you know that, don’t you?’
Penny: ‘I know… #sigh, I’m going to charm him to death by babbling’
JB Schitz: ‘When all you really need to do is not wear those board shorts and let him grab an eyeful of your Elle cut’
Penny: ‘I’m not sure that would achieve the desired effect’
JB Schitz: ‘I’m pretty sure it would achieve some effect!’
Penny: ‘Fainting and falling in the pool is not what I’m going for here Schitz, I’ve already ‘saved’ him once, and we all know how well that went’

9:32pm – Sitting at the desk in the Lands of Penny 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘So I’ve sat down to begin “studying” (whatever that involves) for our exam next week… this should go well, last time I sat an exam I didn’t even have Facebook… 2006 was a long time ago. Solitaire anyone?’
Fletch: ‘It might be a decent idea, have you got any other assessment due before then?’
Penny: ‘Just an essay I’m avoiding writing at the moment. One can’t rush these things!’
Fletch: ‘You might appreciate this article – the author reminds me a lot of you… “The Five Minute Guide to Writing an Essay for Uni”

9:41pm – Sitting at the desk in the Lands of Penny

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘That article was frighteningly accurate. Almost as if the author was a fly on my wall…’
Fletch: ‘So you like pistachios too?’
Penny: ‘I like all kinds of nuts Fletch *winks*’

10:02am – Still sitting at the desk in the Lands of Penny

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘I should mention I’m still wearing my lycra bodysuit from netball tonight. I feel the aerodynamics of the design will help the fluidity of my study’
Fletch: ‘That was not my first thought when you said you were dressed in a lycra bodysuit… I’m starting to think you may actually be stark raving bonkers’
Penny: ‘The defence calls Alice in Wonderland to the stand please!

What Penny Did Next Penny Likes Her Eggs Sunnyside Up Alice in Wonderland

Wednesday 30th October 

9:44am – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I stayed up studying into the wee hours last night’
Charlie: ‘Studying or playing Solitaire?’
Penny: ‘I thought playing Solitaire was an expected part of studying?’
Charlie: ‘That’s open for interpretation… so did you learn anything?’
Penny: ‘Yes. I get delirious if I have less than 5 hours sleep. I’ve just made myself a hot lemon drink, but instead of putting ginger in it, I’ve managed to put garlic in it. I only realized once I took a sip’
Charlie: ‘I do love the smell of garlic breath in the morning! On the upside, at least now when you find another hickey on your groin, you can cross out local vampires as potential suspects?’

1:44pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Kennedy: ‘Hey Mum just asked if you would like to join us for dinner this Friday night?’
Penny: ‘In Melbourne or Sorrento?’
Penny: ‘PS. That is very nice of her!’
Kennedy: ‘In Melbourne, she wants to say thank you for your help on the weekend’
Penny: ‘She doesn’t have to do that!’
Kennedy: ‘She does, it’s not every Sunday morning you have one of the guests, who you’ve just met, who is actually staying with your son, start helping to serve breakfast to thirty other guests because the chef’s gone home sick’
Penny: ‘Your mum doesn’t realise it but I’m well attuned to food and service related catastrophes, helping out is second nature!’
Kennedy: ‘As saying thank you is to us, I’ll pick you up at 7pm *grins*’

3:22pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘Kennedy’s mum has asked me to join them for dinner on Friday night’
Charlie: ‘That’s nice! She is sussing you out as a potential daughter in law!’
Penny: ‘I think not, Kennedy said she just wanted to say thank you for helping out at breakfast on Sunday’
Charlie: ‘You helped out at breakfast on Sunday?’
Penny: ‘The chef went home sick and they had thirty in at the same time, they needed someone to serve up the eggs!’
Charlie: ‘So you served up the eggs… all weekend long hey Penny? Tell me, how do you like your eggs?’
Penny: ‘Unfertilised’

6:34pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘Just received a welcome letter from my newest and fourth Super Fund…
1. Am going to be one of those people with lost super everywhere? Yes.
2. Am going to have zero ‘care factor’ about this? Yes
3. Am going to regret this blasé attitude when 65 and destitute? Probably.’
Charlie: ‘WOW! You’ve almost got more Super Funds than you do current boyfriends. Almost.’

 

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