Penny Pinkerton Finds Her Zen

Chapter Ten

Thursday 26th September 

7:14am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Mother Dearest: ‘Have found cute man for you at beach. Currently chasing him down main street for phone number. Will report back’
Penny *groaning*: ‘Please don’t. Please just keep running. Is there a pier nearby?’

Maybe if I go back to sleep I will realize it was all a bad dream…

7:27am – Still lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Mother Dearest: ‘Spoke to man. Sounded interested. Showed him your photo. Got his number. Success!’
Penny: ‘This was not just a bad dream? Surprised you didn’t give him a copy of my personal ad…’
Mother Dearest: ‘Will text him link to profile’
Penny: ‘I was kidding Mother!!!’

11:23am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger 
Penny: ‘Now that football season is over, I have decided to be more Zen about life’
Charlie: ‘Oh yes, and how is this going for you so far?’
Penny: ‘I’m having varying levels of success’
Charlie: ‘So you’ve printed out three new inspirational quotes for your wall at work but besides that it is business as usual?’
Penny: ‘*exhales* You know me too well… ‘
Charlie: ‘Here’s another one to keep you going’

What Penny Did Next Penny CHapter 10 Insane

Penny: ‘I don’t think knowledge of my insanity is limited to just friends somehow…’

Friday 28th September 

6:56am – At the waterhole of communal diseases and men in old lycra

JB Schitz: ‘Uh Penny… what is the guy in the next lane doing?’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘Ah JB, I believe that is what is known as the ancient art of “Attempted Butterfly”, it is recognizable by the fact that the participant flails their arms around like a frog in a blender whilst staying in the same spot and wearing lycra…’
JB Schitz: ‘I clearly have much to learn…’
Penny: ‘One day, one day you will be versed in the ways of lycra and chlorine like I am. We all need something to aspire to!’

9:13am – Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘So today I walked into work and the ground lights were on, apparently they mysteriously turned themselves on at 10pm last night & now they still won’t turn off, then I found that the old people had peed all over the toilet seats & then the roof in the away showers collapsed… Also. My mother is still trying to set me up with a strange man she literally chased down the main street of Blairgowrie and I’m currently sitting here listening to cats try to kill each other in the roof above me. I don’t feel very Zen’
Charlie: ‘You don’t know what you’re looking for; he could be a real looker!’
Penny: ‘I’m looking for some peace and quiet, and an unsullied toilet seat. Praying for rain in the Sahara would be easier’

9:23am – Still Sitting in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Charlie: ‘Wait, did you say the roof fell in?!’
Penny: ‘Correct. The roof collapsed’
Charlie: ‘Anything to do with the red vodka cruisers?’
Penny: ‘I don’t think so, this was in the away showers and what they do in the showers to get that much moisture on the ceiling, I don’t want to know ‘

12:02pm – Lying under the Desk in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message

Penny: ‘I just found Super Mario’s red overalls from Mad Monday under my desk… What was he doing under here?!’
Goldie: ‘Eating mushrooms and collecting stars with Luigi if I recall correctly…’
Penny: ‘Ah, were they the pair with a penchant for vacuuming things up?’
Goldie: ‘Yep. Add in a couple of rainbows and bananas and it was on like Donkey Kong’
Penny *cringes*: ‘Well, at least someone has clocked the Hideout Helm…’

4:12pm – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Facebook Messenger
Fletch: ‘Hey Penny, hows life with duct tape going?’
Penny: ‘Faring ok, finally met something I couldn’t fix…’
Fletch: ‘Impossible. I don’t believe it’
Penny: ‘The roof collapsed in the showers. That was a plasterboard task beyond my talents with tape’
Fletch: ‘Your life is never boring, is it?’
Penny: ‘Far from it’
Fletch: ‘Well, I know I’m not as exciting as a bunch of sausages or half naked footballers or damp plasterboard, but uh, do you want to do the group assignment for the innovation subject with me?’
Penny: ‘Oh sure, what were you thinking of looking at?’
Fletch: ‘Duct tape. I was thinking… 32 Innovative Things to Do with Duct Tape, I’m pretty sure there’s not much you haven’t done’
Penny: ‘I can think of a thing or two’
Fletch: ‘Almost sounds like an invitation to come down for a demonstration…’
Penny: ‘Well, all good group projects do have a practical element, don’t they?’

7:12pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Fletch asked me to do the Group Assignment with him’
Charlie: ‘OMG! A group assignment together?! That’s like intellectual foreplay!’
Penny: ‘Calm your farm. I’m not sure it’s that exciting!’
Charlie: ‘Alright, well it depends on what are you doing it on?’
Penny: ’32 Innovative Things to Do with Duct Tape…’
Charlie: ‘I rest my case. 50 Shades of Intellectual Gray right there’

Saturday 29th September

8:59am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Mother Dearest: ‘Ran into cute man down street again. Said he checked out your profile. Sounds keen!’
Penny: ‘Mum, have you ever considered selling real estate? Your dedication to sharing profiles and selling me off is so ridiculous it’s almost admirable. Almost’
Mother Dearest: ‘He seems nice!’

9:44am – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Facebook Messenger
Snicks: ‘What are you girlies up to for Grand Final Day?’
Penny: ‘I’ve got a date with my laptop and the couch’
Roxie: ‘Just received this text message from UNWPTBB (Unknown Number We Presume To Be Beardy)…
“Wait for me. Half Time. With James Squire’s Mistresses.”

What Penny Did Next Penny Chapter 10 Plans

Snicks: ‘I’m getting the impression he was obsessed with cryptic crosswords as a kid…’
Penny: ‘Or Choose Your Own Adventure books…’
Roxie: ‘Girls! Focus! Where are James Squire’s Mistresses?’
Penny: ‘On his Family Tree. It’s painted on the wall at the James Squire Brewhouse in the city… I also suspect James Squire had a beard…’
Snicks: ‘Or perhaps one of his mistresses did’
Penny: ‘This is very possible’
Roxie: ‘Should I go?’
Penny: ‘Well, only if you have a beard too I suppose…’

9:50pm – Sitting at the Desk in The Lands of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘It’s 10pm on a Saturday, I’m sitting here writing a text response for uni, I’m wearing flannelette pyjamas, ugg boots, I’ve got a clay face mask on and I’m fairly sure I’ve just eaten my body weight in rice crackers and god knows what else and I’m only 234 words in. Yes. I am bringing sexy back.’

What Penny Did Next Penny Pinkerton Chapter 10 Food

Charlie: ‘Goddamn woman, it’s a bloody mystery how you are still single’

Sunday 30th September 

3:03am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Mitch: ‘You awake?’
Penny: ‘I am now… Seven missed calls Mitch? Are you alright?!’
Mitch: ‘Need a lift, a massage and a kebab. Probably in that order. What are my chances?’
Penny: ‘Not as good as my chances of Sainthood. Where are you?’

3:24am – Driving into the City of Melbourne

via Text Message
Roxie: ‘I’m at CQ. I’ve lost Beardy. I can’t feel my toes. Do I speak Spanish?’
Penny: ‘Meet me out the front in ten minutes’
Roxie: ‘Do you have a beardy?’
Penny: ‘No but I have a blankie and a backseat you can curl up in’
Roxie: ‘Ole!’

What Penny Did Next Penny Pinkerton Chapter 10 Maccas Run.png

Penny: ‘Yes Rox, we can go to Bell St Maccas on the way home too’

4:02am – Operating Penny’s Taxi Service along Brunswick St

‘Hey Mitch, wind the window up, Roxie is freezing in the backseat! What are you doing?’
Mitch: ‘Oh, she’s alright!’ *yelling* ‘YEP! YOU’LL DO!’
Penny: ‘Ah… yelling admiring statements at young ladies out the window’
Roxie: ‘That last one was alright!’
Penny *shakes head*: ‘You do both realize that last one was a bloke, don’t you…’

4:22pm – Hanging with half of Melbourne at the Drive Thru, Bell St Maccas

 ‘I’ll have a large Double Cheeseburger meal, Chicken Sauce, six Nuggets and a Chicken Snack Wrap please’
Mitch: ‘I’ll have a lamb kebab with the lot & a cute blond with a perky bum’
Penny *rolls eyes*: ‘And you wonder why you’re still single…’
Mitch *grinning*: ‘Well hurry up and get me to Haci’s woman!’

8:03am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

 ‘Are you alright Penny? You look a bit spaced out?’
Penny: ‘I didn’t get much sleep. I’ve just cooked up two cups of quinoa for the week, and realized I did that yesterday morning and now have literally half a bucket of quinoa in the fridge. Then I burnt the ceramic off the cast iron frying pan. Then I put spring onions in my omelette. I don’t even LIKE spring onions!’
Flossie: ‘Penny, you need a holiday’
Penny: ‘Mum’s back in two hours, somehow I don’t think that is going to happen.’
Flossie: ‘Perhaps we should get rid of Mitch before she gets any ideas?’
Penny: ‘Shit. I forgot about him. Well I suppose at least someone got use out of her clean sheets! Speaking of which, we should probably clean the house?’
Flossie: ‘Never fear, Flossie is here! I’m on it! Someone pass me the BAM!’

8:33am – Bathroom, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Flossie *yodelling*:
 ‘BAM! AND THE DIRT IS GONE!’ *spray spray spray* ‘BAM! MORE DIRT IS GONE!!

8:35pm – Bathroom, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Flossie *still yodelling*: *spray spray spray* 

8:36am – Bathroom, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Walk past the bathroom to see Flossie having a coughing fit on the floor….

Flossie: *cough cough splutter* 
Penny: ‘BAM! And you sprayed too much!’
Flossie: *cough cough* ‘BAM! And I’ll spray you next Penny!’

8:42am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

‘You know, Flossie is pretty cute with her rubber dishwashing gloves and bottle of BAM!’
Penny *shakes head*: ‘You’re hopeless, you know that? One inkling of a woman in latex with a firm grip on a nozzle and you’re in love’
Mitch *smiling*: ‘So true… fancy showing me your cleaning outfit?’

10:33am – Lying in the Lands of Penny

Bedroom door flies open…

Mother Dearest: ‘WE’RE BAAAAACK!’
Penny: ‘Oh joy’
Mother Dearest *concerned look*: ‘OMG! What’s that smell!? Is something on fire? Your room smells chemical!’
Penny: ‘Calm down Safety Sally. I just painted my nails.’

Welcome home Mads. Good grief.

10:54am – Lying in the Lands of Penny

Bedroom door flies open again…

Mother Dearest: ‘So… I notice that you changed our bedsheets…’
Penny *raises eyebrow*: ‘You don’t miss much do you Inspector Clouseau?! Thought we probably should after the week long orgy we held in there…’
Mother Dearest *groaning*: ‘Honestly, you girls. I don’t know where you came from!’

7:33pm – Dinner with the Pinkerton Family Mad 

Just when you thought it was safe to venture out again…

Mother Dearest *slams hands down on table*: “PENNY! Did you know that TED Movie is a PORNO MOVIE! I was going to watch it tonight because it had a teddy bear in it! I thought it was a cute story about teddies. But it is rated MA! I can’t watch that! Oh my goodness! I am VERY upset! I am shocked!”
Penny: “Almost as shocking as the time you ‘accidentally’ picked up Gay Stories in the library eh Mum?”

Monday 1st October 

8:51am – Sitting in the Beep Beep Barina

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just got in my car to drive to work. It looks like a kebab exploaded in here. Did you actually get any of it in your mouth?!’
Mitch: ‘That’s what he said… *winks*’
Penny: ‘#facepalm’

10:44am – Sitting in the Office of Hell and Caterwauling

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I think one of my cat friends in the roof is on heat. Either that or the cats are starting their own band…’
Charlie: ‘The Aristocats are living in your roof!’
Penny: ‘I’m not sure the Aristocats ever sounded so… violent…’

11:13am – Still Sitting in the Office of Hell and Caterwauling

The President: ‘Morning Penny, what is that noise? Do you have the radio on?’
Penny: ‘No, I’m just sitting here in the peace and quiet…’
The President: ‘No I can definitely hear a screeching, the radio must be on. That is not appropriate music for work’
Penny *raises eyebrow*: ‘The screeching? Oh you must mean the three stray cats who are currently mating in the roof above my head? You’re very right, it’s not appropriate for work at all, and yet, here I am…’
The President *mouth gaping*
Penny *smiling sweetly*: ‘I’ve spoken to council several times but they don’t seem too concerned, perhaps you could have a word with your friend the Mayor?’

Tuesday 2nd October 

10:31am – Standing in the away rooms of sweat and mud

Walked into the rooms with the hired help…

Carpenter *eyes wide open*: ‘WOW. There’s a whole roof on that floor’
Penny: ‘Yes. Well what exactly were you thinking I meant when I said “the entire roof has collapsed”?’
Carpenter: ‘I was just thinking it was a little hole that needed patching…’
Penny *raised eyebrow*: ‘Believe me, if it was a hole that needed patching, I would have fixed it with duct tape. This *gesturing to mess on floor* however, is a tad beyond my talents with tape’
Carpenter *grinning*: ‘I’d like to see what else you could do with that tape’
Penny *rolls eyes*: ‘I’m sure you would appreciate what I could do with a tube of caulk too, now do you think you can fix my roof?’
Carpenter *peering upwards*: ‘Wait… was that a cat I just saw?!’

10:13pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘May need a wheelchair tomorrow to get me into the pool’
JB Schitz: ‘What have you done?!’
Penny: ‘Played netball outside in 6 degree weather, in a flimsy lycra suit against a woman who was the body double for The Incredible Hulk in The Avengers…’
JB Schitz: ‘Who knows, perhaps if you move slowly enough, you might catch Mr Vanilla’s eye?’
Penny: ‘Don’t make me laugh. I’m fairly sure I’ve cracked a rib’

Wednesday 3rd October 

9:11am – Sitting in the Office of Hell and Duct Tape 

via Text Message
Jasmine: ‘Hey Penny P, are you coming over to celebrate my birthday, Disney style, tonight?’
Penny: ‘I will absolutely be there in my best Cruella glad rags to sing you a rousing rendition of ‘A Tale as Old as Time’, but I won’t be able to drink butter beer into the night as I fly out at 6:30am tomorrow morning’
Jasmine: ‘Fly out to where…?’
Penny: ‘Sydney. With my mother. We’re going Prince Harry hunting’
Jasmine: ‘I really want to believe that you are telling me awful lies to get out of playing Pin the Merman Tail on Prince Eric but I suspect this might be so awful that it’s actually true’
Penny: ‘Believe me Jasmine, she’s got more marriage ambition that both of the ugly stepsisters combined.’

11:34am – Standing in the away rooms of sweat and mud

Penny: ‘So how long do you think it will take to fix the roof?’
Carpenter: ‘Shouldn’t take me too long, there wasn’t a lot of structural damage, it was more just the plaster that seemed to breakaway… Do you know what caused it?’
Penny *raised eyebrow*: ‘Mate. I’ve got a bunch of senile geriatrics who flood the dishwasher every other week upstairs, a selection of stray cats who use every single surface as a toilet, a property warden whose solution to everything is to hose it down and I don’t even want to think what the footballers do in here… Your guess is as good as mine’
Carpenter *eyes wide open*: ‘I see… well, I’m ready to get started. Can I borrow that vacuum I saw out there just to clean up the rest of the plasterboard?’
Penny: ‘Uh… it’s currently out of order…’
Carpenter: ‘Do I want to know?’
Penny *shakes head*: ‘I’ll find you a broom…’

7:03pm – A Whole New World of Party 

Jasmine: ‘Please tell me you’re not actually going to Sydney tomorrow morning to stalk Prince Harry…’
Penny: ‘Young Jasmine, believe me. I wish this wasn’t so, but apparently I am taking a magic carpet ride in the morning, as my mother is intent of marrying me off to Prince Harry’
Jasmine: ‘Does she have a strategy?’
Penny: ‘Besides turn up and take a pile of masks with my face printed on them so she can walk around wearing one in case she sees him, no, I don’t think she does’
Jasmine: ‘Right… and you’re going with her because?!’
Penny: ‘Would you trust her on her own in the same town as him?!’
Jasmine: ‘Excellent point. Well made. And to think you wanted to grow up to be Mulan… and you’ve ended up being Cinderella…’
Penny: ‘Most days I actually just feel like I’ve just fallen down the rabbit hole…’
Jasmine *strokes imaginary beard*: ‘Come to think of it, you do have quite a bit of the Alice about you…’

10:01pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Roxie: ‘Just got this message from Beardy…
“#noregrets #yolo #thoughts?

When Penny Did Next Penny Pinkerton Finds her Zen Chapter 10

Penny: ‘Ah Rox… I think you’re replying to the wrong person… *winks*’


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