Penny Pinkerton Paints the Town

Chapter 6 

Thursday 29th August

7:02am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

Woke up to Mother Dearest on the phone to Grandma…

Mother Dearest: ‘Oh Mum, the internet is such a dangerous place. I just don’t know how it happened! One minute I was looking for poems about jungle animals for the children and the next minute, ELEPHANT PORN! EVERYWHERE!

I suspect this must be one of Grandma’s proudest parenting moments…

10:33am – Sitting in the Office of Hell

via Text Message 
Penny: ‘Hey, how’d you pull up from netball on Tuesday night? Has the knee recovered?’
JB Schitz: ‘Well, I hobbled around on it for 24 hours before deciding that it probably wasn’t going to recover if I just ignored it so I went and saw the doctor’
Penny: ‘Ooo that bad? What was the prognosis?’
JB Schitz: ‘He seems to think I’ve strained something inside the knee but we’ll have to wait until the swelling goes down for an MRI. In the meantime, I’m getting an intense ab workout from these crutches…’
Penny: ‘Oh you poor bugger! Well, if you ever want to come and bob about in the pool with me for some rehab, I know all the sleazy old buggers in the rehab pool would love some new eye candy…’
JB Schitz: ‘I might just take you up on that offer. Surely the old blokes can’t be that bad?’
Penny: ‘That depends entirely on where you sit on the over 65s wearing speedos situation…’

6:44pm – Dinner with the Pinkerton Family Mad 

The elephant porn Google search just keeps on giving…

Mother Dearest: ‘I just couldn’t believe they had porn FOR elephants!’
Penny: ‘Porn FOR elephants Mother Dearest? Or porn with elephants in it? Were you thinking the elephants just jumped on Google & searched it up in their spare time…?’

Friday 30th August

7:02am – At the waterhole of communal diseases and men in old lycra 

JB Schitz: ‘So what is that old bloke doing just hanging off the wall back there?’
Penny *turns around to look*: ‘Ah, I see where he is, he’s leaning up against the water jet’
JB Schitz *confused look*: ‘Why would he be doing that?’
Penny *raises eyebrows*
JB Schitz: ‘Oh god, that is disgusting!’
Penny: ‘That is Thomastown pools. Welcome’

3:33pm – Sitting at my desk in the Office of Hell 

via Facebook Messenger
Penny: ‘So how’s the memory recollection going? Does Mr Beardy have a name yet?’
Roxie: ‘Sadly not. But I think the real question is, how will I ever find him again when he only gave me one number?’
Penny: ‘I think John Farnham may have been wrong, in your case at least, *sings* 9 is the loneeeeliest number, 9 is the lOOOOneliest number’
Roxie: ‘I am actually glad I cannot hear you singing that…’

6:13pm – Still sitting at my desk in the Office of Hell 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘You know, when I was younger I wanted to be a vet. Ironic really’
Snicks: ‘I’m yet to see where this is going… continue…’
Penny: ‘Well it’s ironic that once upon a time I actually liked animals. Because I’m currently sitting at my desk where a mouse has just run past my hand twice and I’ve got three cats in the roof above me either mating or attempting to kill each other and emitting the most melodious sounds. And really, at this moment in time, I’m not that fond of animals’
Snicks: ‘You know, it’s a shame you can’t eat fire or juggle… because apart from that you’ve got the rest of the circus ready to go!’

Saturday 31st August 

9:43am – In the Office of Hell 

Samwise Gamgino: ‘Hey Penny, where’s the stuff for the merchandise tent?’
Penny: ‘Oh, it’s just in that storeroom next to the photocopier, there should be three boxes of shirts and some umbrellas’
Samwise Gamgino *rustling about in the storeroom*: ‘Ah, got it! Hey… what smells in here?’
Penny: ‘Ah that is the fragrant wafts of cat pee you can smell there’
Samwise Gamgino: ‘Yeh, and I suspect it is coming from your merchandise’
Penny *walks into storeroom*: ‘Shit a brick. If those bloody feral things have peed all over the shirts…’
Samwise Gamgino *holding up a shirt*: ‘Now do you want to do the sniff test, or shall I?’
Penny *takes the shirt*: ‘I don’t pay you enough for that kind of torture’
Samwise Gamgino: ‘No you don’t, but you certainly make up for it in entertainment value’
Penny *sniffing the shirt & spluttering*: ‘Oh god, no amount of napisan is going to fix this problem’
Samwise Gamgino *patting Penny on the back*: ‘Look on the bright side Penny, the day can only get better from here, right?’

3:12pm – In the Canteen of Rodent Invasions

Penny: ‘Hey Goldie, how many slabs of Carlton and Cruisers do I have in that cool room?’
Goldie: ‘Three slabs of Carlton and two slabs of Cruisers’
Penny: ‘Are you sure? Where the hell has it all gone?!’
Goldie: ‘Yep, we’ve been absolutely flat out all day. What is it about the colder weather that makes people want to drink?’
Penny: ‘I don’t know… all I do know is that I’m going to have forty thirsty footballers arriving here in four hours for a function, and five slabs is not going to cut it. Sammy, I thought you said the day could only get better!’
Samwise Gamgino *shrugs*: ‘Who knows? The boys might take a liking to light beer?’
Penny: ‘C’mon Sam, surely one lie is enough for today? Goldie, grab your keys & your forklift, I’m sending you to Dan’s!’
Goldie: ‘Oh, I love it when you boss me around like that Penny’

6:53pm – In the Office of Hell 

Goldie: ‘Hey Penny, how do you want me to get these slabs inside?’
Penny: ‘Just leave them out there’
Goldie: ‘We’re going to leave 24 slabs outside?’
Penny: ‘Yeh and then as the boys walk up the stairs we’ll just get them to bring a slab in with them’
Goldie: ‘Some days you are my idol’
Penny: ‘I think you mean every day, don’t you Goldie?’

9:14pm – In the Office of Hell and Drunken Shenanigans

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I just walked in and found one of the boys in the freezer. He was naked’
Snicks: ‘It’s only 9pm…’
Penny: ‘I am in for a long night’

11:32pm – In the Office of Hell and Drunken Shenanigans

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Where for art thou?’
Roxie: ‘In the back of a ute… I think… why?’
Penny: ‘You think?’
Roxie: ‘Well the boys blindfolded me and carried me off somewhere’
Penny: ‘What makes you think it’s the back of a ute?’
Roxie: ‘Well my head is laying on a tyre and I’ve got a spanner up my rear end’
Penny: ‘And is this ute stationary?’
Roxie: ‘I believe so… but boy is the skyyyyy spinning’
Penny: ‘Oh dear…’

Sunday 1st September 

9:02am – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad 

Flossie: ‘There were several guys at the pool today checking me out/following me around…’
Mother Dearest: ‘I don’t understand why they’re not checking out your sister as well, she could be on the cover of Vogue in her bathers!’
Penny: ‘Yes, perhaps the braille version of Vogue…’

11:14am – Sitting in the Office of Hell and cat pee 

Goldie: ‘Hey Penny, the umpires want to speak to you’
Penny: ‘If they’re trying to recruit me or sell me something, tell them I’m not interested!’
Goldie: ‘I think they need you to do something’
Penny *exhales and walks out of the office*: ‘Did you tell them I don’t do complimentary eye checks either? With the amount of abuse they were copping yesterday, it sounds like that might need them!’

11:16am – Standing in the middle of the oval shaped mudpit

Chief Umpire: ‘Ah Penny, we’ve got an issue here with the line marking, as you can see, the rain has washed all of the lines in the goal squares and centre circle away’
Penny: ‘Hmm, I see. The property manager did mark three circles for me on Friday, but it seems none of them have survived the rain yesterday…’
Chief Umpire: ‘Well, we can’t start any of the games until the lines are remarked, can I entrust you to make sure that is done?’
Penny: ‘Uh… Right… Well, I’ll just go and see if I can find the line-marking machine then won’t I…’

11:21am – In the Dungeon

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Currently climbing over boxes of water bottles and musty football boots trying to find a tin of white paint in a mouldy dungeon. I wouldn’t be surprised if I find a Three Headed Dog in this place’
Charlie: ‘Let me know when you find the life sized Wizard Chess set!’

11:32am – Still in the Dungeon

Goldie *calling out from outside the door*: ‘How’s it going in there Penny, have you got the machine working yet?’
Penny *from behind a pile of boxes*: ‘It appears that the machine is actually more complicated that you’re average Boeing 747 to operate and it may just take me a few more minutes…’
Goldie *walks into the dungeon*: ‘PHWOAR!! What happened?! Penny, your face is covered in white paint!’
Penny: ‘Yes thank you Goldie, I suspect that happened when I leant down to see why the paint wasn’t coming out…’
Goldie: ‘Shit timing, it only came out when you leant down?’
Penny: ‘No, it only came out when I actually pressed the right button. Incidentally, my head was still down there when I did’

11:44am – Back in the middle of the oval shaped mudpit

Currently sliding around in a mudpit clinging to and attempting to push an archaic line marker in a shape that looks remotely like a circle.

I’m surrounded by two teams of footballers in skin tight jumpers and incredibly tight white shorts warming up. It’s raining, my hair is stuck to my face. Oh, and I’m covered in white paint.

Note to self

In depth knowledge of Modernist literature is currently not improving job prospects or the quality of life experiences.

7:02pm – Lying under the desk in my office 

Goldie: ‘How many more weekends of this do we have left?’
Penny: ‘Two more…’
Goldie: ‘I’m not sure I can lift another slab or fry another chip. I just don’t think I’ll cope’
Penny: ‘You don’t think you’ll cope? I don’t think the sewerage system will cope’
Goldie: ‘There was actually more mud in the showers than on the ground by the end of the day’
Penny: ‘Once upon a time, the thought of wet muddy footballers inspired all kinds of fantasies in my mind… now it just inspires nightmares about overflowing showers and plunging toilets whilst wearing polka dot gumboots!’
Goldie *patting Penny on the shoulder*: ‘It’s not all bad Penny, you may even get that linemarking paint out of your hair by Wednesday!’ *chuckles*
Penny *groans*: ‘You’re not helping Goldie!’

Monday 2nd September 

11:19am – In the land of the sin city intellectuals

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I was up at 5:32am. I’ve already battled peak hour at the airport in Melbourne. A budget airline breakfast. Peak hour in Sydney. And now I’m 2 hours into an 8 hour day of lectures and seminars. I’m not sure I’ll make it to lunchtime’
Charlie: ‘Positive thinking Penny! How’s the eye candy?’
Penny: ‘Well let’s see, the lecturer is 57 and female, the average age in the room is around 42 and to top it off, I suspect most of them are from Sydney anyway’
Charlie: ‘Surely there is something worth looking at!’
Penny: ‘Well the little cartoon caricature in the slide show presentation is pretty cute’
Charlie: ‘My friend Penny, the optimist…’

2:34pm – Still in the land of the sin city intellectuals

Nerdy Glasses Dude: ‘Hi there, I’m Fletch, is this seat taken?’
Penny: ‘Hey, uh, no it’s not’
Fletch *sitting down*: ‘I noticed you walk in this morning, I thought I’d come and say hi’
Penny: ‘Oh, well you did better than I did. For starters I didn’t even notice myself walk in this morning. If I had, I would have promptly marched myself back out again’
Fletch *chuckling*: ‘Hey, I really like what you’ve done to your hair, that white streak is quite… um, alternative? Do you get that done specially somewhere?’
Penny: ‘The white streak? It’s linemarking paint’
Fletch *looking confused*: ‘Linemarking paint?’
Penny: ‘I’m not alternative Fletch. I work in football, some days you win, other days you get sprayed in the face by the linemarking machine’
Fletch *wide eyed*: ‘I see…’

Tuesday 3rd September

9:22am – Back in the land of the sin city intellectuals 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘What I failed to point out yesterday when I mentioned that the average age of my classmates is 42, is that it means I am in a lecture theatre full of “mature aged students”’
Charlie: ‘You have just described my personal hell’
Penny: ‘Don’t worry, I’m currently living my personal hell. We’re 22 minutes into the day and three of them have already asked questions that allow them to demonstrate their own voluminous knowledge rather than eschew anything remotely useful for the rest of us from the lecturer’
Charlie: ‘I pray for you’

11:56am – Enjoying the sunshine on the college lawn

Fletch: ‘Hi there, I never actually caught your name yesterday…’
Penny: ‘Oh hey Fletch, my name is Penny. Penny Pinkerton’
Fletch: ‘Pinkerton? As in A.L. Pinkerton from Madame Butterfly?’
Penny: ‘Fletch. A word from the wise. Opera is sexy, for the over 55’s crew. If you’re trying to pick up anyone younger, I wouldn’t mention that you know that.’
Fletch *blushing*: ‘Oh… um…’
Penny: ‘But you’re right, Pinkerton, as in A.L. Pinkerton’
Fletch *exhales*: ‘Cool, so um, do you go to uni here?’
Penny: ‘I’m actually from Melbourne, just here to complete the two days as part of an intensive on innovation and entrepreneurship’
Fletch: ‘Ah, so are you at uni full time?’
Penny: ‘No, I work full time and fit uni around it’
Fletch: ‘Oh wow… So do you find you have opportunities to apply innovative solutions in your workplace?’
Penny *raises eyebrows*: ‘You could say that… You have no idea how innovative I can be with a roll of duct tape…’
Fletch *blushing*: ‘Oh… my…’

8:23pm – At the land of arrivals, departures and over-priced parking 

Father Bear: ‘So, how was the flight? Uh… are you puffing?’
Penny *exhales*: ‘Yeh. The flight was great. Direct from Sydney to Sunbury’
Father Bear: ‘Ah Penny, the airport is in Tullamarine…’
Penny: ‘Oh I know that, but believe me, the plane landed in Sunbury and then we had to walk on the tarmac for about 3km before getting into the airport terminal’
Father Bear: ‘Are you sure?’
Penny: ‘Dad, it’s Tiger. I’m sure. With prices like that I’m pretty sure I only paid for about three quarters of the flight anyway’

11:03pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Record breaking partnership to my future husbands Finchy and Marsh in the cricket. We still don’t have Foxtel. Why WORLD WHY?’
Mitch: ‘Well if you came around to visit me more often you could use my Foxtel…’
Penny: ‘Foxtel eh? Is that what you’re calling him these days?’

Wednesday 4th September 

12:22pm – In the Office of Hell and Caterwauling 

via Facebook messenger
Charlie: ‘So how did the uni thing finish up? Did you meet anyone or learn anything?’
Penny: ‘I learnt several things. The main one being people over the age of 40 should not be allowed to be students, or should at least be programmed with a mute button. Oh, and it turns out, I know a lot of innovative things to do with duct tape’
Charlie: ‘Inspirational. Any silver haired foxes take your eye?’
Penny: ‘Good lord no. But there was a nice bloke called Fletch who sat next to me. Liked my paint enhanced hairdo and he knew A.L. Pinkerton was a character in Madame Butterfly’
Charlie: ‘Did he now…’
Penny: ‘He did indeed’
Charlie: ‘Watch this space *winks*’

6:13pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Casually walking through the kitchen when I overhear this conversation…

Father Bear: ‘Bob, can you please knock up a salad?
Bob *looking confused*: ‘How do I knock up a salad? Get in bed with a tomato?’


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