Penny Powers Up

Chapter 4 

Thursday 15th August

7:03am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

I’ve just woken up with a hickey on my shoulder. Either my Teddy Bear isn’t who he says he is… or I am now in a relationship with a vampire so secret, even I don’t know about it…

Either way. No one tell my mother.

11:09am – In the land of retirees and kebab stores

Standing at the checkout at Safeway…
Checkout boy: ‘Can I ask you, what do you use your frozen organic blueberries for?’
Penny: ‘Oh I have them with my quinoa and kefir cultured milk for breakfast’
Checkout boy: ‘Oh wow, that sounds great, so how do you sweeten the blueberries?’
Penny: ‘Oh just add some cinnamon, I put it in everything, especially with quinoa’
Checkout boy: ‘Oh wow quinoa, how do you cook that?’
Penny: ‘Oh it’s just like rice, wash it, soak it blah blah blah ‘

Another week, another episode of ‘Penny accidentally flirts with the food service person’

Good grief.

7:22pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just sat down to read Bob’s points for his debate tomorrow where he is arguing that “Women should not be recognised more in sport”…
Point 1. “Females have not been allowed to play sport for hundreds of years why change it now.”
Point 2. “That proves that sport has always been a man’s game”
Point 3. “If women do play sport they don’t play the proper game e.g. in tennis females only play three sets”
Flossie: ‘Oo, I bet that went down well! *giggles* Remember Penny, he is only 12!’
Penny: ‘Yes. 12 but living in a house with sisters who are sport playing feminists! I get enough of this sexist crap at work!’
Flossie: ‘Fight the good fight Penny. You are tireless and admirable my dear sister, tireless and admirable!’
Penny: ‘Deluded and failing more like it. And Germaine Greer thought that she had problems…’

Friday 16th August

6:11pm – In the decontamination area 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I need to get a child, preferably between 6-8 years old’
Snicks: ‘Any particular reason? Or has that latent maternal gene finally kicked
Penny: ‘I’ve just discovered Mr. Vanilla from the pool is actually a Swimming Teacher who teaches classes on Friday afternoons’
Snicks: ‘For 6 to 8 year olds?’
Penny: ‘Precisely’

8:04pm – Bathroom, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Currently scrubbing week old fake tan off my legs with the steel wool kitchen scourer because Mother Dearest has hidden all of our exfoliating gloves. When they said “Beauty is pain”, I don’t think they actually meant resorting to this sort of depravity!

Note to self

Excellent understanding of postmodernist theory is currently not improving job prospects or the quality of life experiences.

10:19pm – Hanging with the Hipsters, Brunswick St

via Text Message
Penny: ‘In the country mile long line for the Perseverance & have spent 25 minutes listening to the “deep & meaningful relationship/do you remember the first time you told me you liked me” discussion of the nerds behind me. I feel like I’ve fallen into the Big Bang Theory twilight zone…’
Charlie: ‘Are any of them wearing Flash Gordon t-shirts?’
Penny: ‘I’m too scared to turn around and find out…’

11:34pm – Dancefloor of the Dirty Perse

Snicks: ‘I’ve just had two men with beards and hair longer than mine Cossack dance around me to Spice Girls before getting down on bended knee and asking for me hand in marriage… is that normal?’
Penny: ‘That is Perseverance for you…’
Snicks: ‘I think I need another vodka…’
Penny: ‘Or three’

Saturday 17th August

8:44am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Snicks: ‘So how did the rest of last night go after I left? Did you end up doing the tongue tango with Mr. Handsome? It was certainly looking good when I left!
Penny: ‘Ah yes, Mr. Handsome. Well after some further Tony Monaro moves which almost cleared the dancefloor when ‘The Vengabus is Coming’ came on, he bought me two more drinks and then told me he thought I was gorgeous’
Snicks: ‘OMG! YES! And then?!’
Penny: ‘Well then my brain fell out and I turned around and told him “I’m sorry, I’m allergic to adjectives” and walked off’
Snicks: ‘… Allergic to adjectives?!’
Penny: ‘Yep. Allergic to adjectives’
Snicks: ‘Oh Penny… sometimes you really are a woman only a dictionary could love’

9:01am – Kitchen Table, Chez du Pinkerton Family Mad

Sitting quietly, nursing a slight headache and doing the Saturday crossword when all hell breaks loose…

Mother Dearest *in a rage*: ‘WHERE IS THAT BROTHER OF YOURS?! WHERE IS BOB?’
Penny: ‘Uh, he’s in the toilet’
Mother Dearest: ‘RIGHT! That’s IT! He’s supposed to be mopping the kitchen floors and he’s avoiding it’
Mother Dearest *storms into the toilet*: ‘BOB! Hurry up and get out. You do not go to the toilet and sit there for 30 minutes. You get in, you poo and you get out! Now hurry up!’

Nothing like Mother Dearest on poo patrol to brighten up your Saturday morning… Surely it’s too early for this shit.

1:13pm – In the Office of Hell and slightly less rodent invasions

Goldie: ‘Hey Penny, we’re having a problem with the dim sim steamer, can you come and have a look?’
Penny: ‘Goldie, define what you mean by problem? Is it just that the dim sims aren’t warming up fast enough or are there flames protruding from the
Goldie: ‘Well, the dim sims haven’t been cooking for last hour or so…’
Penny: ‘And how many of them did you serve to customers before you figured that out?’
Goldie: ‘Oh, about 20 or so’
Penny *walking out of the  office*: ‘Excellent. So that’s only about twelve food poisoning complaints I have to look forward to from council next week then?’
Goldie *grinning*: ‘Naw Penny, you love us, remember?!’

1:16pm – In the canteen of suspected rodent invasions

Penny *inspecting the dim sim steamer*: ‘Is it only the dim sim steamer that isn’t working?’
Goldie: ‘Well, I’m not sure if the pie warmer is still on?’
Samwise Gamgino: ‘I just had someone return a pie because it was still frozen in the middle…’
Penny: ‘And why is the fridge off?’
Goldie *raises eyebrows*: ‘Shall I check the fuse box?’
Penny: ‘Please do…’
Goldie: ‘Ah Penny…’
Penny: ‘Do I want to hear what you’re about to say?’
Goldie: ‘Probably not… It would appear the dim sim steamer has tripped the switch and turned all the power off on the back wall of the canteen… and no matter what I do, I can’t turn it back on’
Penny: ‘Goldie. You are like Jesus. Just bringing me one good news story after

1:25pm – Back in the canteen of suspected rodent invasions and limited power

Crawling around in the canteen running two extension cords and two powerboards from the front wall, across the walk way, to the back wall and adhering it to the floor with duct tape, which is sticking to the oil splattered floor with varying degrees of success.

Goldie: ‘So how many occupational health and safety regulations are you breaking with this latest invention Penny?’
Penny: ‘Ooo, I’d say about five at the moment Goldie. But considering you’ve given at least 23 spectators suspected salmonella poisoning today, I don’t think anyone will be worrying about this anytime soon!’

3:44pm – Lying under the desk in the Office of Hell

via Facebook messenger
Roxie: ‘How’s your day been? Are we still up for going out tonight?’
Penny: ‘Let’s see… it started with a hangover and being caught up in Mother Dearest’s “War on Poo”, before merging into another standard day at the office. 2500 spectators turned up, and we lost power in the canteen for over an hour, so we had no pies, pasties, sausage rolls or dim sims during the lunch time rush. I then crawled around for 20 minutes on a floor covered in oil and mouse poo to complete a complex patchwork of powercord and duct tape origami so we could fire up the cooking equipment whilst the staff climbed over me in what can only be describe as a re-enactment of the “Canteen does the Matrix”. There are also probably about 23 cases of food poisoning we caused that I will hear about next week.
In short. Yes. I’m coming out. I need a bloody drink’.

9:47pm – Predrinks at Chez Roxie

Snicks: ‘So what’s the forecast for tonight?’
Penny: ‘Well, last night I told a perfectly attractive and normal bloke who thought I was gorgeous that I was allergic to adjectives, today I crawled around in mouse poo and this is my fourth vodka, and we haven’t even left yet. So I’m thinking poor decisions and an aftertaste of regret?’
Roxie: ‘Magnificent’

Sunday 18th August

11:02am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Why did I just wake up next to a carrot?’
Snicks: ‘Metaphor or vegetable?’
Penny: ‘Vegetable. Sadly. Also my groins are aching…again. What happened last
Snicks: ‘Well in short, the highlights include you performing the Can Can on a platform at CQ, telling Dyson Heppell that he didn’t play AFL because if he did you would know who he was (repeatedly), leaning over three random blokes at the bar and drinking their shots before kissing each one of them and boogieing off, and I do believe there was a re-enactment of the best way to ride a horse with a bar stool at some point…’
Penny: ‘And how much of that ended up on camera…?’
Snicks: ‘Oh, only the good bits’
Penny: ‘Oh good. And I now have to spend an afternoon watching men in tutus dance around with my mother’
Snicks: ‘Let me know if they incorporate a bar stool, then I can send them your audition tape *winks*’
Penny: ‘My life just keeps getting better and better…’

2:21pm – Zooming along in Le Automobile de Mother Dearest

Sitting in the car, lurching along Hoddle St on the way to Le Trocs with Le Mother Dearest & Le Flossie…

Mother Dearest: ‘I’ll just get into the left lane, I feel safer
driving there…’
28 seconds later, Mother Dearest gesturing to the car in
 ‘C’mon you two, what do you think you’re doing!?’
Penny: ‘Mum, you’re driving in the left hand lane… The domain of retirees, learner drivers, people who can’t see over the steering wheel & dickheads struggling with the concepts of operating a motor vehicle… Honestly, I’m not quite sure what you were expecting!’

4:32pm – Sitting in a haze of culture and hairspray

via Text Message
Penny: ‘These ballerinas have nothing on me.’
Snicks: ‘Do you even remember what you did?’
Penny: ‘No, but I can barely sit down I’m in so much pain, so whatever I did, I know it was good’

Monday 19th August

9:11am – Sitting in the Office of Hell

Ah, I suspect I would be able to get on with deciding on and planning what to do with the rest of my life or even what to eat for breakfast, if I could just A. find my desk B. Walk without looking like I’ve ridden a horse for 12 hours straight and C. recover from the weekend.

It is going to be a very long day.

7:36pm – Dinner Table, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

via Text Message
Penny: ‘War is afoot upon the good ship Pinkerton!’
Flossie: ‘Oh Lord, what has happened now?’
Penny: ‘Whilst Mother Dearest continues her rollicking ‘Marry My Daughter Campaign’, Father Bear is staging his own sneaky cockblocking campaign. And I don’t think she’s even realised’.
Flossie: ‘Cockblocking? ‘You mean he’s added another strategy besides the usual
joining every conversation you’re ever having with any male, inviting himself to watch them play football/cricket and keeping them outside for 45 minutes talking ‘sporting’ strategy before they get into the house when they come to visit?!’
Penny: ‘Exactly!’
Flossie: ‘And how exactly is he doing this without her noticing?’
Penny: ‘With great skill and culinary finesse! ‘His newest technique is what I like to call ‘the old cockblocking by salad onion routine’. In tonight’s salad he put not only a whole salad onion, but then several shallots AND some normal onion. All I could taste for the entire dinner was bloody onion. No amount of chewing gum or mouthwash will fix this; I’m not going to be able to talk to anyone face to face for a week!’
Flossie: ‘Aha, the old onion strategy! And that’s not even considering what colourful side effects it will have on your rear end!’
Penny: ‘Oh Lord, don’t remind me!’

Tuesday 20th August

7:09am – In the decontamination area

Just spent another 45 minutes having a ‘communal bath’ with half of Thomastown…. *shudder*

Note to self

Investigate if Pine O’Cleen do a bodywash range…

2:11pm – In the Office of Hell and power shortages

via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘Another intellectual gem from my uni readings this week, I swear I’m getting cleverer just by highlighting these things’
Charlie: ‘Enlighten me oh beneficent one, what have you learnt this week?’
Penny: ‘Well, from the man who brought us a Hierarchy of Needs (that we didn’t actually know we even needed)…
“It isn’t normal to know what we want. It is a rare and difficult
psychological achievement”
Thanks Maslow. So is understanding what the hell you’re on about most of the time.’
Charlie: ‘You keep highlighting there Penny, just keep highlighting’

9:33pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Mitch: ‘Just saw a video of you dancing from the weekend on Youtube. You never told me you were that flexible… we should date sometime’
Penny: ‘Mitch? Shut up.’
Mitch: ‘You love me. PS. You’ve got 1298 views already’
Penny: ‘Oh God’

Wednesday 21st August

10:44am – In the Office of Hell

Bought fake flowers for the vase on my desk at work.
Now have real ants everywhere.
I swear Mother Nature is somewhere laughing at me.

1:12pm – In the land of retirees and kebab stores

Naturally, it would stand to reason, that yet again, the only time it pours rain is when I’m down the street, sans umbrella, arms full of bags carrying 16 litres of milk, 22 different boxes of tea & 4 unwieldy rolls of paper towel back to the office. And then 10 minutes later it is blazing sunshine again. Yes, thanks God, I got the memo, you don’t like me today. Cheers for that.

3:47pm – Drying off in the Office of Hell

via Text Message
Mitch: ‘3,433 views. You’re becoming somewhat of a sensation’
Penny: ‘Mitch. It’s taken me three days to be able to sit down on the toilet seat without any pain. I’m fairly sure “painfree” is the only sensation I’m celebrating right now’
Mitch: ‘Classy AND flexible. You are fast becoming my favourite girl. Tell me, are you as good at dating as you are with a bar stool?’
Penny: ‘Don’t even start’

7:13pm – Zooming along in the Beep Beep Barina

Ah. The muffler has fallen off. I am now driving the V8 Barina.


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