Penny Pinkerton Declares War. On Everything.

Chapter 3


Thursday 8th August

6:55am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

Every morning for the past week I have woken up with a peg in my bed, it occurs to me we may now be in a long term relationship…

No one tell my mother.

12:48pm – In the Office of Hell and no heating 

via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘I’ve devised a solution for my dishes problem!’
Charlie: ‘Is it legal?’
Penny: ‘Even better, it’s BRILLIANT!’
Charlie: ‘A brilliant plan to solve a dishes problem eh? Some days I worry about you, most days I just shake my head and sigh’

7:49pm – Change rooms of multinational chain store

via Text Message
Penny: ‘So I’m trying on bathers in an attempt to find something to wear to the pool for this rehab business’
Flossie: ‘You lead such a thrilling life’
Penny: ‘Mum is here helping me’
Flossie: ‘This just gets better and better’
Penny: ‘And by helping, I mean, Mum is here picking up triangle bikinis with outrageous patterns and suggesting I try them on’
Flossie: ‘Naturally, because Prince Harry is going to be seeing you in this swimwear’
Penny: ‘I’m fairly sure Mum was dropped on her head in the last week and now thinks she has Miranda Kerr as a daughter and not me’
Flossie: ‘*giggles* She lives in hope’
Penny: ‘She lives in la-la land, a place where the string bikini she’s just thrown over the change room door is apparently used as swimwear and not dental floss’
Flossie: ‘You do realise when she suggested you shave your legs, she really meant “Shave everything”, don’t you?’
Penny: ‘Good grief.’

Friday 9th August 

7:03am – At the waterhole of communal diseases and old men in Lycra

via Text Message
Penny: ‘My glorious return to the swimming pool (after a 16 year absence) was stunted ever so slightly by the appearance of Michael Kilm stripping off & then jumping in & swimming past me … but don’t worry, I don’t think he, or anyone else saw me floundering/drowning/doing an impersonation of a washing machine while all this was going on…’
Flossie: ‘Now if only you were wearing that string bikini…’

7:19am – Zooming about in the Beep Beep Barina

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Enjoying a leisurely drive down Henty St, past the houses, past the parked cars, past the policemen mounted on thoroughbreds…*double take* Reservoir is clearly up with the times – policemen on horseback…’
Chloe-Lee: ‘That’s because all of the criminals in Reservoir have lost their licenses for drink-driving and are committing crime on foot’
Penny: ‘Excellent point. Well made’

3:14pm – In the land of retirees and kebab stores

Rolled up to the market wearing my work t-shirt with the stain down the front, track pants two sizes too big and sporting the windswept (read: styled by a cyclone) hair look. Picked up some vegetables for my dinner and was waiting patiently at the counter…

Fruit stacking bloke *moving swiftly towards the counter*: ‘Do you need help there love?’
Penny: ‘Uh sure, but I don’t mind waiting’
Fruit stacking bloke *smiling*: ‘Oh no no, don’t worry, I can put this through for you’
Penny: ‘Ok, fantastic’ *passes over the four bags of vegies*
Fruit stacking bloke *stares at the register for 15 seconds before finding the right button to start the transaction*: ‘Sooo don’t you have school today?’
Penny *raises eyebrow*: ‘Uh…’
Fruit stacking bloke: ‘Hey Frank, how much are lettuces?’
Frank: ‘$2.20 each’
Fruit stacking bloke *stares at me again more intently and starts laughing*: ‘Oh sorry, I suppose you’re not that young… but you are very young’
Penny *eyes widening*: ‘Uh, thanks I guess. I’ll take that as a compliment’
Fruit stacking bloke: ‘Hey Frank, how much are tomatoes?’
Frank: ‘$2.99 a kilo’
Fruit stacking bloke *smiling*: ‘Well you deserve a compliment, you are quite lovely’
Penny *jaw on floor*: ‘Oh, ah… thank you’
Fruit stacking bloke: ‘Hey Frank how much are avocadoes?’
Frank: ‘$1.99 each’
Penny: ‘Uh, do you even know how to work the cash register?’
Fruit stacking bloke *smiling*: ‘Not really, but I just wanted to serve you. Hey Frank, how much are cucumbers?’
Frank: ‘$1.80 each’
Fruit stacking bloke *smiling like a lunatic*: ‘There you go love, now I hope the rest of your day is as lovely as you are’

Jesus Christ. I’m a magnet for Food Service People.
Next thing they’ll be telling me I’ve got great melons.

10:05pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Father Bear: “What kind of tea would you like Mother Dearest?”
Mother Dearest: “Oh, as long as it’s black and hot, I don’t care!”
Penny *raises eyebrows*: “Uh… are you sure you’re talking about tea there Mum?…”

Saturday 10th August

9:04am – In the Office of Hell and Rodent Invasions

via Text Message
Penny: ‘It would appear that suspected rodent problem I had is no longer
suspected’
Snicks: ‘You’ve given up your suspicions?’
Penny: ‘Oh the contrary, they have now been confirmed by the pile of mouse shit all around the back of my desk’
Snicks: ‘Congratulations Inspector Clouseau! Victorious once again! Another mystery solved’
Penny: ‘Funny, I don’t feel very victorious…’

11:31am – Sitting in the Office of Hell and Rodent Invasions

Disinfecting my desk for the third time

Goldie *wandering in*: ‘Hey Penny, do we have any more toilet paper?’
Penny *raises eyebrow*: ‘Is this a personal question or more of a general interest
question?’
Goldie: ‘Well, it’s in the general interest of the 2000 odd spectators you’ve got outside I suppose’
Penny: ‘Bloody hell. How did we run out by 11:30am?!’
Goldie *smiling*: ‘Well, I’m guessing the seven rolls you used wiped up the mouse shit off your desk probably didn’t help…’
Penny: ‘Goldie?’
Goldie: ‘Yes?’
Penny: ‘Shut up’

11:58am – In the land of retirees and kebab stores

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I’m standing in line at the supermarket, holding 48 rolls of toilet paper’
Charlie: ‘Do you realize how often your life revolves around poo particle related
disasters?’
Penny: ‘More often than 4 years at uni should warrant’
Charlie: ‘Precisely’

12:20pm – Back in the Office of Hell and Toilet related disasters

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I just got a standing ovation from 24 half naked footballers’
Roxie: ‘Wowee, what feats of personal satisfaction did you provide to them to deserve that?’
Penny: ‘I walked into the change room with 12 rolls of toilet paper’
Roxie: ‘I presume you weren’t wearing it?’
Penny: ‘Not even close. Life lesson #323 Roxie, “You don’t have to work hard for a cheer if you deprive a man of a basic need (food, sex, the remote control, toilet paper) and then lavish it upon him a bit later”’
Roxie: ‘You are a never ending well of wisdom Penny Pinkerton’
Penny: ‘*grins* Indeed I am’

Sunday 11th August

9:24am – At the waterhole of communal diseases and old men in Lycra

Once upon a time, I dreamed of waking up on a Sunday morning in the arms of a tall, strong, bronzed Adonis. Now I just dream of getting through the morning without seeing any accidental ‘speedo slippage’ from the over 65’s crew.

Good Lord.

10:03am – In the Decontamination area (otherwise known as the pool showers)

via Text Message
Penny: ‘There was a guy at the pool in the lane next to me who had the most exquisite action I’ve ever seen’
Snicks: ‘Are we talking about swimming here?’
Penny: ‘Well, I’m sure his talents translate, but yes, swimming for the minute. He was a 6’2, well defined collection of creamy vanilla skin, loose brown curly locks and the best looking 6 pack I’ve seen since the last time I was face to face with a slab of Jim Beam’
Snicks: ‘And how much exercise did you get done while you were admiring Mr Vanilla?’
Penny: ‘In between running into the lane rope because I was too busy ogling him and subsequently floundering around because I haven’t quite figured out how to run underwater yet? Uh, not much’
Snicks: ‘You are an inspiration to injured people everywhere’

7:55pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Hollywood murders history moment #649…

Bob to Mother Dearest after seeing the trailer for Abraham
Lincoln Vampire Killer:
‘So is that what Abraham Lincoln did before he freed all the slaves? He killed vampires for a living?’

And I thought Braveheart was bad…

Monday 12th August  

10:20am – In the Office of Hell
via Email
Penny: ‘My dishes masterpiece is complete! I have sent this to the minions in my office…
An Important Story for All  Staff
Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Penny.When she was little, she enjoyed reading adventure stories and dreaming about what she would be when she grew up
Picture

Her favourite stories were full of adventure and intrigue, with swords and dragons.
Picture

She grew up dreaming that one day she might be strong and intelligent and go on interesting adventures around the world…
Picture

A few years later when Penny had grown up, she came across a nice village called Our Office. The people there were lovely and asked her to stay for a while, she felt like this could be the start of her own big adventure, so she did.For a while things went well, but soon Penny felt troubled and concerned
Picture

Penny had never had a fascination with cutlery…
Picture

She didn’t like spending hours staring at bubbles…
Picture

And she wasn’t overly fond of housework either…
Picture

But the thing she detested most in the world, was cleaning other people’s dirty dishes. And there seemed to be a lot of those lying around constantly…
Picture

Gentlemen – I know that everyone secretly wanted to be Prince Charming when they grew up.
Please do not confine me to the destiny of Snow White when I’d much rather be Mulan!

Be chivalrous – remember to do your dishes!

And we will all live Happily Ever After

The End”

What do you think?

Charlie: ‘You are mad. But Walt Disney is proud of you’
Penny: ‘*whistling while I work* Exactly! If this doesn’t work, I’m ringing Prince Charming!’
7:22pm – Lounge Room, Chez du Pinkerton MadWalking past the lounge room minding my own business

Mother Dearest watching Dr Oz: “Penny, Penny – come here! Look at this…!’
Penny *walks into the room*: ‘Hmm what is it?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Apparently Nutmeg is the No. 1 spice – it increases libido! I think your Father and I need to eat more banana custard!”
Penny: “Good grief… I’m leaving the room now”

Suspect Mother Dearest may have skipped reading the chapter on
being concerned about your child’s mental stability in the parenting manual…

I may never recover from that mental image. Ever.

Tuesday 13th August

8:32am – In the Office of Hell and Rodent Invasions 

Dear Mice living in my office,

I tried to play nice by buying ethical traps that wouldn’t hurt you – but after shitting on my desk four days running, AROUND said traps, things have changed. This is now WAR.

3:52pm – Zooming along in the Beep Beep Barina 

Watching a woman attempt to manouvere her car down the bike lane in Park St, Carlton… It may have escaped your notice love, but that is a RAV 4 you are driving there, not a bicycle as those pictures on the road suggest…

I despair for humanity sometimes.

6:44pm – At the land of the Intellectuals 

via Text Message
Penny: ‘The lecture has gone 14 minutes overtime. The mature aged student has just decided to ask the lecturer another long winded question about innovation strategies for breastfeeding pumps. I’m fairly sure I just saw a student in the third row fall off his chair. Fast asleep’
Charlie: ‘And this is how our nations billion dollar HECS debt is accumulated. One narcolepsy inducing lecture at a time’

Wednesday 14th August

6:13am – At the waterhole of communal diseases and old men in lycra

It is quarter past six in the morning. It is five degrees and raining outside. I am completely dressed in lycra. I am a grown woman wearing a floatation belt. I am sharing a large body of water with half of the retired male population of Thomastown. I am not sure how many of them showered before entering said body of water. Most of them are wearing small black Speedos. All of them shouldn’t be.

Note to self

Having the ability to correctly conjugate over 78 irregular French verbs is currently not improving job prospects or the quality of life experiences.

11:11am – In the Office of Hell and Rodent Invasions

Working is becoming increasingly difficult with the mouse running backwards and forwards across my desk in front of me – it doesn’t matter how cute you might be in Ratatouille little mouse – I am now getting the POISON OUT!

1:49pm – Still in the Office of Hell and possibly less Rodent Invasions

via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘Showing Dalai Lama-like patience trying to explain to an argumentative telemarketer from the subcontinent who is convinced otherwise, that I don’t need to speak to her as this is a business line, and the business does NOT require funeral cover, as it doesn’t plan on dying anytime soon…’
Snicks: ‘Perhaps she might want to speak to your resident mice…? They seem to have a more limited potential lifespan…*giggles*’

3:10pm – Languishing in the Office of Hell

via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘Just bought & am now eating an entire bowl of rocket lettuce for lunch.
A. It’s 3pm; I think I’ve missed the lunch boat.
B. I don’t even LIKE rocket lettuce; in fact I pretty much despise it.
C. That is about how well my day is going.’
Snicks: ‘And still, you are waging war with several pint sized rodents… once again Penny you are my hero’

10:07pm – Lying under the desk in the Lands of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Breaking News. Somehow, doing my uni readings may have actually made my day just that tiny bit better’
Snicks: ‘I find this hard to believe, but continue…’
Penny: ‘This week’s uni readings are particularly enlightening you see…’
Snicks: ‘Hmm, what words of wisdom are you able to impart upon us uneducated folk now?’
Penny: ‘Well, reading about AIDS prevention campaigns in Nepal can be rather
dry…’
Snicks: ‘This would want to be good…’
Penny: ‘And then a pearler like this pops up to brighten your day…
“If you are about to entertain between the thighs, remember! Condomize!”’

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