Penny Pinkerton Takes the Plunge

Chapter 2



Thursday 1st August

6:54am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

Woke up in bed with a tin of tuna. Have moved from sleeping with no one to sleeping with dead fish. Promising development.

7:19am – Breakfast Table, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Bob *pushing his cereal around*: ‘Hey Penny…’
Penny: ‘Yes little man, what’s up’
Bob *concerned look*: ‘Well, yesterday when I was out with Mum, she started talking about how when I am older I will get a girlfriend, and then I’ll get married and then I’ll have kids and I’ll be a wonderful husband who is loving and gentle and caring… *deep sigh* um is it a bit early for that?!”
Penny *exhales*: ‘Ah young Bob, how old are you now? Twelve? Let me
assure you, when it comes to marriage and grandchildren – it is never too early
for Mother Dearest!”
Bob *looking terrified*: ‘Oh…’

8:21am

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Mum cornered Bob about getting married and having grandchildren yesterday… She’s getting desperate’
Flossie: ‘He doesn’t even have facial hair yet!’
Penny: ‘Exactly, she’s starting them young these days’
Flossie: ‘Can’t wait to see what she writes on his personal ad!’
Penny: ‘God help him’

1:33pm – In the Office of Hell & Rodeo

via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘Today is the 1st of August, you know what that means…’
Snicks: ‘Uh…’
Penny: ‘It’s Horse’s Birthday! Or as I like to call it, the International Day of Gird your Groins!’
Snicks: ‘Ah… the curse of the aching groin rides again!’
Penny: ‘Yeeeehhaaaaa!’

8:11pm – Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Standing in the kitchen lost in thought innocently drying the dishes

Mother Dearest *swanning past*: “Penny, you’ll never get a fella if you don’t let men touch you…”
Penny *jaw on floor*: ‘Ah, gee… thanks for that Mum…’

Excellent. More foolproof dating tips from that fountain of matchmaking wisdom, Mother Dearest…

Friday 2nd August

11:04am – In the land of retirees and kebab stores

Penny: ‘Just caught myself accidentally flirting with the fruit & veg guy at the market. At least it was at the organic store…  Setting high standards today’
Charlie: ‘Perhaps he liked your melons?’
Penny: ‘Unlikely, they were camouflaged under a scintillating pile of celery’
Charlie: ‘Perhaps he’s read Mother Dearest’s personal ad’
Penny: ‘Definitely unlikely, he actually seemed keen’

3:43pm – In the Office of Hell & Toilet related disasters

via Text Message

Penny: ‘Currently witnessing male logic at its finest in action – 8 men from the council & 3 different football clubs holding a “30 minute meeting” to discuss the logistics of arranging… wait for it… 6 PORTALOOS.’
Snicks: ‘No shit’
Penny: ‘More like “The challenges of managing shit”. This is too much. I think I need to lie down’

5:05pm – Still in the Office of Hell & Toilet related disasters

via Text Message
Snicks: ‘Did you sort out your portaloo situation?’
Penny: ‘Despite the best efforts of the eleven men to present the best display of bureaucracy gone mad, we did not’
Snicks: ‘Which means…’
Penny: ‘If we get more than 2000 spectators on the weekend the shit is going to hit the fan. Literally’
Snicks: ‘I love your life’
Penny: ‘Someone has to…’

8:32pm – Bathroom, Chez du Pinkerton Mad

Enjoying another classic “Friday Night Mystery” with the Pinkerton Family Mad…

Why are there 10 toothbrushes in a house with only 5 people….?

Saturday 3rd August

8:07am

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just overheard Mother Dearest telling Bob “You are only allowed ONE poo per day…” – poor child, that would have to be more disheartening than 3A water restrictions’
Flossie: ‘First enforced married, now enforced constipation… His week just keeps getting better and better!’

3:57pm – In the Office of Hell & Insanity

via Facebook messenger

Penny: ‘Today…

– I’ve stuck a fridge door back on with duct tape… twice
– I’ve spent two hours burning sausages because I had to send a staff
member to raid every supermarket in the Northern Suburbs for sliced onions
– Then a paper cup caught on fire in the canteen and I spent 23 minutes crawling  around on the canteen tiles sweeping up ‘escapee’ fried chips (& ignoring the possible mouse poo) from said burning paper cup after it was thrown in the air…

I am now currently hiding under my desk, emitting fumes of burnt pork and
googling Redfoo’
Roxie: ‘Sounds like another successful day at the madhouse’
Penny: ‘It’s always successful when it ends lying on the floor with a man with an afro smelling like sausages’
Roxie: ‘Sexy and you know it eh?
Penny: “Oh yes. Yes I am’.

9:58pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I just found a deep fried chip stuck in my hair.’
Roxie: ‘Don’t worry, Redfoo has that problem ALL the time’
Penny: ‘Comforting…’

Sunday 4th August

7:10am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

Avoiding getting up and listening to the sounds from the Kitchen…

Father Bear: ‘Hey Bob, do you know the singer, Wally De Backer?’
Bob: ‘Who?’
Father Bear: ‘You know, Goatee-ah-yeah’
Bob: ‘Oh yeah’

1 minute later
Bob: ‘Hey Dad, how do you spell used? Is it ‘Youst’?’

Scene of the Crime: Pinkerton Kitchen
Missing: The proper pronunciation and spelling of the English Language, last seen running for its life as these two simultaneously attempted to murder  it…

12:34pm – Back in the canteen of the suspected rodent issue

Goldie: ‘Uh Penny, we have an issue…’
Penny *elbow deep in half cooked dim sims*: ‘Define ‘issue’ Goldie… “Someone is on fire and we need to call emergency services kind of issue” or “Problem to most human beings but just another day at the office for Penny’ kind of issue”?’
Goldie: ‘Well, that depends on what your take on overflowing sewerage, blocked toilets and 3000 heavily drinking spectators is I suppose’
Penny *pauses*: ‘Shit’
Goldie *grinning*: ‘Quite literally actually’

12:44pm – At the scene of the toilet related disaster

I’m wearing a garbage bag, polka dot gumboots that are two sizes too small and I have scrunched up toilet paper stuffed up both of my nostrils. There are two clogged toilets and one overflowing urinal in front of me, my eyes are watering and 400 blokes are currently risking indecent exposure charges and have started urinating on the outside of the building in broad daylight.

This is not what I imagined my life to be when I grew up.

1:04pm – Head down putting my back into it plunging an overflowing public toilet

Note to self

In depth knowledge of 900 years of the English Monarchy is currently not improving job prospects or the quality of life experiences.

7:59pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Today I spent 20 minutes plunging a toilet and watching toilet water with poo particles overflowing onto my gumboots and around my feet.’
Penny: ‘The gumboots were two sizes too small and covered in pink polka dots, I was wearing a garbage bag and I had toilet paper stuffed up both nostrils. In public.’
Flossie: ‘Should have added that skill to Mum’s personal ad for you… ‘Not afraid of getting into heavy shit’
Penny: ‘Your moral support is overwhelming’.
Flossie: ‘Perhaps marrying a royal isn’t such a bad idea after all?’
Penny: ‘Shut up.’

Monday 5th August

10:11am – Back in the Office of Hell & Blocked Sewerage

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Just had the President walk in and remind me to do the dishes’
Charlie: ‘Don’t you work with three other people? Why you?’
Penny: ‘I work with three other blokes. I can only assume it is apparently my job because the President is a misogynistic genetic throwback from the Bronze Age where apparently men didn’t do housework.’
Charlie: ‘Oh dear. Did you mention you were slightly busy plunging blocked toilets and overflowing sewerage instead?’
Penny: ‘So he could turn around and tell me that’s my job too? No
no, I’d rather not. I think we’ve boiled the blood of enough feminists with this
startling display of sexism in the workplace for one day…’
Charlie: ‘Hmm I sense repressed anger…’
Penny: ‘Well you know what some famous ye olde English poet one said… “Hell hath no fury like a woman covered in poo particles brandishing a dishrag”.
Charlie: ‘Or something like that.’
Penny: ‘This is war.’

6:10pm – Dinner Table, Chez du Pinkerton Family Mad

Just another regular Monday night dinner…

Penny *points to plate*: ‘Oh, that is a grasshopper in my salad!’
Mother Dearest *claps hands together*: ‘OH! How EXCITING!! Naww, the poor little guy’
Penny: ‘Yes… exciting…that was definitely my first response to finding a large insect in my food too…’

Suspect Mother Dearest may have skipped reading the chapter on
being concerned about your child’s physical welfare in the parenting manual…

8:59pm – Sitting on the floor next to the desk in the Lands of Penny

I’ve got about 2hr 13min worth of brain power left and about 4hr 27mins of unfinished/unstarted uni work to complete for tomorrow. This does not bode well.

11:24pm – Lying on a pile of clothes under the desk in the Lands of Penny

Reading my innovation textbook for uni…”Pfizer began testing a compound known as UK-92,480 for the treatment of angina. The compound showed little benefit in clinical trials in humans, despite these initial negative results the team pursued what was an interesting side effect”…. I’m assuming “interesting side effect” is the technical term for what happens when you take Viagra…

Tuesday 6th August

8:43am – Zooming along in the Beep Beep Barina

Penny: ‘Just drove past a woman running up Bell St wearing dishwashing rubber gloves… Must be participating in some intensive housewife circuit training… I wonder where they’re practicing hill sprints carrying vacuum cleaners?
Chloe-Lee: ‘Edwardes Lake, for sure’

5:47pm – Dozing off at the Land of the Intellectuals

via Text Message

Penny: ‘Listening to a presentation on the development of sliced bread. This is scintillating.’

5:59pm – Picking the lint off my jumper at the Land of the Intellectuals

Penny: ‘It’s only supposed to be 15 minutes long. They’re 12 minutes in and they’ve just finished the introduction. The excitement in the room is palpable’

6:13pm – Losing feeling in my legs at the Land of the Intellectuals

Penny: ‘But wait! Just when you think you’ve learnt everything you could about sliced bread, there’s more!’

6:23pm – Losing the will to live at the Land of Intellectuals

Penny: ‘….and the mature aged student has taken the floor in this presentation… Even the lecturer has his head in his hands…’
Charlie: ‘Oh uni, how I miss thee’

9:35pm

Note to self

Once again it is 9 degrees and you are outside. Once again you are wearing only Lycra. Once again you are attempting to play netball. And this time, a middle aged woman is also rubbing her overtly large chest up and down your arm and pressing hard up against you. Suspect this is not the kind of attention Mother Dearest was attempting to attract with that personal ad…

Epic fail Penny. Epic fail.

Wednesday 7th August

9:13am – Lying on the massage table of the torture master

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Woke up, climbed out of bed, fell into the wardrobe’
Snicks: ‘Again?’
Penny: ‘Again, but it may not be horseriding related this time! Currently lying on the table at the myotherapist and he suspects I may have torn a ligament in my hip.’
Snicks: ‘How exactly do you do that?!’
Penny: ‘Options are endless, but a few stand out… lifting slabs, plunging toilets, carting cash registers around, the usual…’
Snicks: ‘Aha, well no more horseriding for you then my friend’
Penny: ‘Sadly not. Instead it’s off to the pool for rehab and some new thing called deep water running for me’
Snicks: ‘Aren’t you allergic to chlorine?’
Penny: ‘Yep, and old men, wearing lycra, sharing water with others & the full spectrum of human emotion (according to Mother Dearest)’
Snicks: ‘This is going to be wonderful’
Penny: ‘Hmmm. Wonderful.’

2:22pm – Back in the Office of Hell & avoiding Rodent and Toilet disasters

via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘Contemplating just how desperate the creators of Captain Planet were when they decided to call one of the powers ‘Heart’… really?’
Charlie: ‘Penny?
Penny: ‘Yes?’
Charlie: ‘Stop procrastinating. Don’t you have dishes to do?’
Penny: ‘Ooo snap! Where is your Heart woman!? Fine then, I’ll just take pollution
down to zero by myself *bops off singing* Captain Planet he’s our hero!’
Charlie: ‘And this everyone, is what happens when you inhale too many sewerage fumes…’

7:02pm – Dinner Table, Chez du Pinkerton Family Mad

Mother Dearest: ‘So you have to go to the pool for rehab three times a week?
Penny *looking grim*: ‘Yes, apparently the injury is quite serious, will take quite a while to rebuild the strength in the hip’
Mother Dearest *looking thoughtful*: ‘Well you never know, you might meet a nice lifeguard while you’re there!’
Penny: ‘Ah yes, thanks for your sympathy and concern about the irreparable damage in my hip there Mum’
Mother Dearest: ‘Best make sure you brush your hair and shave your legs before you go, you know, just in case’ *winks and wanders off smiling*

Cupid has nothing on this woman.

 

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