A Penny Pinkerton For Your Thoughts

Chapter 1


Monday 22nd July

11:37am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Monday morning going well. Up at  the crack of 11:32am. Setting new records for effectiveness and motivation. Tomorrows headlines read: ‘Girl breaks mold, uses study day effectively…’
Penny: ‘Also. My groins are about to fall off. Did I ride a horse on Saturday
night?’
Snicks: ‘Again…?’

1:34pm – Simultaneously drying hair & brushing teeth in the bathroom

Mother Dearest swanning past the doorway: ‘Penny, I believe you
need a man in your life, it will give you balance’
Penny mid-brush: ‘That’s lovely Mum but at the moment I’m just trying to avoid cavities and hair like Cruella DeVil…’

Good grief.

9:31pm – Back lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Study day went well. Absolutely zero study occurred. However, have found a large collection of pens. Have made the executive decision to use said pens, start being more observant and write things down in some sort of diary thing.’
Snicks: ‘Anything in particular?’
Penny: ‘Worldly observations, astonishing moments of original thought, inspirational ideas, you know’
Snicks: ‘So basically how many times a week your Mother tries to marry you off & the adventures of your aching groins?’
Penny: ‘Exactly’

Tuesday 23rd July

8:02am – In the Office of Hell

To do list

– Book 6 portaloos
– Read Art History article on 17th Century stonemasonry for uni
– Shave armpits
– Find husband
– Order inordinate amount of stock from Coca Cola
– Find the suspected rodent leaving a mess in the canteen

Will actually do list

– Fall asleep under desk for 3 hours
– Eat packet of rice crackers
– Discuss the price of portaloos for 32 minutes
– Think about bloke in the ad for Diet Coke
– Pretend the mouse poo is just dirt

5:46pm – Snoozing in Art History lecture at the Land of the Intellectuals

via Text Message
Samwise Gamgino: ‘Urban Dictionary defines my name as:

“Usually a name for a person that is a walking Goddess. Gorgeous
to the maximum, fun to talk to, easy to befriend with a sexy booty. Often pulls
off the innocent act but she gets around.”

This is magnificent news.’
Penny: ‘It would be more magnificent if it were my name too.’
Penny: ‘It would also explain Saturday night’s antics’
Samwise Gamgino: ‘You riding horses again?’
Penny: ‘Possibly. I’ve got to stop doing the splits at the end of my tango routines at CQ…’
Samwise Gamgino ‘Tina Sparkle you are not my friend’

10:12pm

Note to self
Playing netball at 10:15pm in 10 degree weather. In theory,  exercise is excellent. In reality, not after 10pm Penny, not in a lycra bodysuit and not outside you flaming lunatic.

Wednesday 24th July

10:56am

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I am one of those people walking down the street that the people sitting in the cars laugh at. Today’s episode – Walking Around Coburg Carrying a Cash Register… as you do…’
Charlie: ‘#winningatlife’
Penny: ‘On the contrary that is just #everydayincoburg. #winningatlife would be the fact it’s currently 9 degrees, pouring rain, my hair is matted to my face and I’m wearing chucks with holes in them, whilst carrying said cash register’
Charlie: ‘#myhero’

Thursday 25th July

7:35am – In the Kitchen, Chez du Pinkerton Family Mad

via Facebook messenger
Penny: ‘Just walked past the kitchen bench, found a list Mum had written. Upon closer inspection it seemed to be a draft for a personal ad’
Flossie: ‘For her?!’
Penny: ‘For me. Things have hit a new low’

“Personal Ad:
Tall, beautiful, friendly 23 yo seeks boyfriend (Royal or titled looked upon with favour) with similar interests for long term relationship. I enjoy being out in the sunshine, getting away on weekends, have a bouncy, effervescent personality and am full of life and vitality. I’m looking for a young man who is interested in books, English history, visiting new places and spending quality time together”

Penny: ‘I sound like a bottle of hair conditioner’
Flossie: ‘Yes, but a very intellectual hair conditioner with an extensive knowledge of Canonical literature and nature…’
Penny: ‘Jesus H. Christ’

7:56am

via Text Message
Penny: ‘I’ve replaced the personal ad with my own version:

“Tall, well airbrushed 23 year old workaholic with scintillating collection of leggings and penchant for vodka seeks similarly tall good looking lad for occasional late night-horse riding sessions and Ashes marathons once every two years. Applicants must be willing to do the tango in public and be available once in a blue moon due to current schedule of concurrent marriage to university degree, full time job, team of footballers and two board positions.”

Think that should do the trick’
Flossie: ‘Inspirational. You were always the favourite daughter, now you are about to become “Daughter of the Year”.’
Penny: ‘*strokes proverbial beard* yes, I think so too…’

2:02pm – In the land of retirees and kebab stores

via Text Message
Penny: ‘It’s pension day, there are old people everywhere, no car parks anywhere, Coxy is filming “Coxy’s Big Break” in Coburg & three old men smelling like moth balls (of varying intensity) have winked at me in the supermarket… why?!’
Flossie: ‘They’ve heard about your personal ad. Mother Dearest works fast’
Penny: ‘Shit.’

Friday 26th July

10:01am – Back in the Office of Hell & Disaster

Random Pensioner wanders into the office: ‘Ah, there’s a delivery man outside who says he has a big rack for you’
Penny: ‘Half my luck’

10:02am

Wander out to inspect delivery man. Safe to say those Diet Coke ads are largely misleading…

10:03am – Standing outside possibly rodent infested canteen

Goldie: “Penny, do you know what 134 slabs of coke looks like?!?”
Penny: *surveys delivery*: “Yes Goldie, I do – and now so do you!”
Goldie: “Phwoar….”
Penny: ‘And now you’re going to know what it feels like to move them! We’re all about the learning experiences here Goldie!’


4:53pm – Inside rodent infested canteen

Currently hanging head down ass up in a deep fryer, with my nose three inches away from a chip that is more burnt than an English tourist at St Kilda beach, wearing a cleaning outfit consisting of a garbage bag, with a tea towel tied around my head and garbage bags as sleeves…

Good news: I didn’t find any rodents.
Bad news: I will never be able to eat another piece of fried food again.

4:54pm – Still head first in a deep fryer

Note to self

Four years at university is currently not improving job prospects or the quality of life experiences.

9:33pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

Two showers later. I still smell like deep fryer.

Saturday 27th July

6:15am – Standing next to the Castle of Penny

6:15am on a Saturday morning and I’m out of bed. What fresh hell is this?!

7:01am

Standing in the kitchen throwing down a bowl of quinoa with yoghurt that
could possibly still be within date…

Mother Dearest: ‘Ah Penny, you’re awake, excellent’
Penny: ‘Astute observation Mother, I am awake’
Mother Dearest *hiding something behind her back*: ‘Now I have something very important to give you’
Penny *raises eyebrow*: ‘Yes…’
Mother Dearest *brandishing three large Women’s Weekly cookbooks*: ‘Now you see, I bought these years ago and have been keeping them for your glory box, you know, for when you get married’ *hands the cookbooks over*
Penny *confused look*: ‘Right, so why are you giving them to me now?
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh well, I just thought you might be able to use them now’
Penny: ‘Surely I could use them when I actually get married’
Mother Dearest: ‘Of course, but we don’t want them to be lying around in storage for that long!’
Penny *jaw on the floor*: ‘Cheers Mum…’

Suspect Mother Dearest may have skipped reading the chapter on building your children’s confidence in the parenting manual…

1:54pm – In the Office of Hell & Toilet related disasters

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Enjoying another quiet day at work today… We’ve only run out of ice, gas & hot chip cups, had to saw the lock of the public toilets and had a fridge door fall off so far’
Roxie: ‘Has the main game even started yet?’
Penny: ‘No…’

And I thought being condemned to spinsterhood at 23 by my mother was going to be the highlight of the day.

Sunday 28th July

8:44am – Lying in the Castle of Penny

Lying here listening to the sounds of nature from the backyard…

In the back shed…
Father Bear: ‘SHIT! Oww bugger!!’
Mother Dearest *frantic*: ‘What have you done, what have you done!?’
Father Bear: ‘Oh nothing, just cut my finger’
Mother Dearest: ‘Is it bad?! Oh MY GOD! There’s blood!’
Father Bear: ‘Nah, it’s fine, just two pinpricks’
Mother Dearest *high pitched voice*: ‘Two pinpricks!! Is it a snakebite!!?!’

Ah yes, never fear world, in the backyards of inner city suburbia, it would appear common sense is alive & well…

2:10pm

via Text Message
Penny: ‘Flicked through the Sunday Magazine, thought I’d read my star sign – first line stated: “You are not a donkey.” Not sure how much they’re paying that astrologer, but am certain it cannot be enough for that kind of insight…
Charlie: ‘I think I’ve missed my calling in life’

Monday 29th July

9:23am – Back In the Office of Hell & Rodent Invasions

Struggling to concentrate whilst reading the instructions for the new CD
labeler…

“Twist the small centre knob to unlock it & allow the centre plunger to pop up… Using three fingers, hold the knob, allowing your fingers to push down on the spring-loaded plunger…”

Is it warm in here? Or is it just me…

5:31pm – Main arterial of the Northern Suburbs

Flying (read: puffing like an overweight 45 year old bloke with a drinking habit) down the hill on Main Rd into the last 200m of my 7km run when I see a car driving directly towards me with lights flashing & horn honking…

Mother Dearest pulls over and winds the window down: ‘Hello darling!’
Penny *puffing/ready to keel over*: ‘Mum…’ *gasp* ‘what’s happened?! Is something wrong?!’
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh I just wanted to tell you that when you get home you need to watch the pie in the oven.’
Penny *wheezing and leaning sideways*: ‘I *gasp* need to *gasp* WATCH *gasp*the pie? Is it going to do anything?!”
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh no, I’ve set the timer and it’s not due to come out until I get home but just watch it’
Penny: Right. Watch the pie cook. Literally. Thanks Mum. Vital information there’
Mother Dearest: ‘Toodaloo!’ *zooms off*

Ah. Priorities.

7:01pm – Dinner Table with the Pinkerton Family Mad

Father Bear: ‘That was a lovely dinner, very nice pie’
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh I’m glad you liked it’
Bob: ‘What’s for dessert?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh I haven’t gotten that far, would you like some of your father’s raw nuts?’
Bob *rolls off the chair laughing*
Father Bear *tears streaming down his  face*

Penny *head in hands*: ‘Sweet Baby Jesus’

Tuesday 30th July

7:56am – Standing in the Lands of Penny

My morning…
– Alarm goes off, roll over & whack head on bedframe trying to turn it off
– Climb out of bed, hit leg on the drawer, fall into wardrobe
– Spend 25 minutes turning house upside down trying to find gym shorts
– Running half an hour late for the gym
– Start car & blow up starter motor, ring & beg Flossie to borrow her car
– Get to pool & realise runners are in car with blown up starter motor
– Get out of shower at the gym & realise have forgotten any underwear to change into
– Get home, realise it’s not even 8am

Safe to say, if this was The Game of Life, I would not be winning today…

5:11pm – Nodding off at the Land of the Intellectuals

Definitely think that…. this lecture…. would go a lot (insert inflection here)…. quicker…. if the lecturer (inflect again)…. didn’t phrase every (you guessed it, inflect)…. sentence, like he was (inflect)…. speaking to a bunch of (inflect and EXTRA pause)…. (mildly intelligent) three year olds.

God give me strength.

Wednesday 31st July

7:52am – Standing in the Lands of Penny

Getting ready for work when Mother Dearest calls out from the kitchen…

Mother Dearest: ‘Are you free on October 3rd Penny?’
Penny *thinks to self* October 3rd? What could possibly be on? Too early for
their wedding anniversary, perhaps they’re going away, probably have to babysit Bob, maybe it’s a stage show or something…:
 ‘Um, I don’t know – is it a Saturday or a Sunday?’
Mother Dearest: ‘Oh I’m not sure…’
Penny *puzzled face*: ‘You’re not sure?’
Mother Dearest *wanders into view*: ‘I don’t know what day it is, but you have to keep it free, it’s the day Prince Harry arrives in Australia. We need to go and start strategically planning your wedding’ *rubs hands together gleefully*
Penny *rolls eyes*:
 ‘Good grief, will I ever be free from this madness?!’

9:43pm – Lying in the Castle of Penny

via Text Message
Flossie: ‘How’s life? Caught any mice yet? Met any cute boys this week? More importantly has Mum married you off yet?’
Penny: ‘Rodents – 0 (this does not include creepy men smelling of moth balls at the supermarket), Cute boys count – 0 but we must remember I am a workaholic doing an Arts degree so we can’t be too hopeful, Marriage count – 0. Although she did give me some cookbooks intended for my glory box on Saturday. And advised me Prince Harry arrives in Australia on October 3rd…’
Flossie: ‘Safe to say the personal ad didn’t work then?’
Penny: ‘Too early to tell, the week is young, it IS only Wednesday…’

 

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